


sleep deprived

by irelands



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Established Relationship, F/M, Getting Back Together, Implied Rehab, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Modern AU, Post-Break Up, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Relationships, ben and rey have a family of their own, getting-back-together kind of sex, in which rey and ben are NOT related and are a lot closer in age, nyc vibes, rey and ben meet in college, there's a wedding at some point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2019-10-30 16:40:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 41,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17832266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irelands/pseuds/irelands
Summary: In which Rey and Ben go from being college friends to lovers to nothing. When life gets in the way there's plenty heartbreak, but there is resolve as time goes on. Can they forgive one another, learn from the past and start again?





	1. sometimes i think of us, before it all got bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
>   
> 

 

* * *

 

“I honestly don’t really remember.”

 

His voice was so rough- he’d been drinking all night, that was much obvious to her. “So you can’t remember anything…?” she trailed off, almost mocking him with her tone, standing with her arms crossed in front of him. Rolling his eyes at her, he pushed himself off the couch slowly and shrugged walking over to the kitchen, going straight to their fridge. Rey follows him, only a couple steps behind him. “So let me get this straight... you drink all night long, god knows where and with whom, then you make your way home somehow and you’re not even in the slightest bit remorseful towards me?”

 

Grabbing a blue Gatorade from the fridge, he slams it shut. “What is it that you want me to say, Rey?” He was aggravated with her. “You’re always attacking me. _Yeah_ , I went out with my friend from work. _Yeah_ , I had a couple of drinks. And  _yeah_ , I got home late. So, sue me. And please just lose the attitude, I cannot deal with this right now.” He took a sip from his cold drink, feeling a little better but not by much. Using the hand he was holding the drink with he placed his cool, wet hand on his forehead, trying to soothe the headache he had from the moment he opened his eyes.

 

That riled her up; she was furious. She knew she was right and that he was completely wrong. He was always pulling this kind of behavior with her - childish, deflecting everything. He changed so quickly in such a short amount of time and it was like whiplash watching it first hand. “I’m over it,” she said firmly. Something in her voice must have caused him to go rigid. His hand dropped to his side as he stared at her. “There's nothing I want you to say, I just want you to leave," she mumbles, timidly at first in the quietness of their apartment. Then she shakes her head defiantly. "No, I need you to leave."

 

“You can’t be serious,” he immediately said, taking a step toward her. His brows furrowed when he noticed she took a step back - away from him. His features unveiled a painful expression. _Must be the hangover_ , she thought bitterly, observing him with disdain. “Rey…” he tried again, but she wasn’t moved by his tone. When his pleading look didn't work for him, he diverted to another tactic of his. “Look, this is my apartment as much as it is yours."

 

Sighing, she turns around and walks back into the living room. It was like clockwork with him - Rey could have predicted that he would say that. “Fine, you stay here. I’ll go stay with Finn until I can get all my stuff moved out.” His long strides caught up with her quickly as she moved down the hallway to their bedroom. Suddenly, he felt like throwing up.

 

“No, Rey, wait,” he begged, watching her grab her favorite beat up, tan backpack from the corner of the room and start shoving some clothing into it. After quickly taking her toiletries from the bathroom, she looked at herself in the mirror in disbelief that this was actually happening. _No time for that now_ , she thought, shaking her head, turning the light off - maybe for the last time in that apartment.

 

He stood in the middle of the door frame, taking up its entire space. Moving to get around him, he doesn't budge. She exhaled loudly to express her annoyance at him, saying his name softly. He could barely hear it over his heartbeat pounding in his ears. “Ben, move,” she emphasizes with finality. He only gazes down at her with an unreadable expression. Taking a step closer to him, she used her shoulder to walk around him, pushing against him slightly to get him to move even in the slightest. However, he wasn’t letting that happen.

 

His large hand reaches out and grabs to hold onto her forearm, using enough force to keep her in place but without actually gripping hard enough to hurt her. “Rey,” she turns and looks back up into his honey brown eyes. “Please.”

 

Rey really didn’t want to cry in front of him. She had done enough of that yesterday after their wild fight just after he'd yelled at her about wanting to never come back home to her. But she could feel tears welling up behind her eyes once again so she looked up at the dirty, old ceiling, closing her eyes, willing them to go away. “Ben, I cannot do this anymore. This isn’t fair to me,” she said as calmly as she could but her voice caught at the end and she opened up her eyes to him. A treacherous stray tear ran out and she turned her head quickly.

 

His other hand cradled her face in his palm, thumb working to make the tears disappear, if only momentarily. “I’ll change,” he mutters. “I promise.”

 

With his soft hand cupping her cheek, she was almost lead into his trap once again. Rey wouldn't fall for it again though. Tilting her head back to add the tiniest bit of space appear between the two of them, she says, “You’ve said that before so forgive me if I say that I don’t believe you will.” The amount of resentment dripping from each word of hers made him drop his hands, letting her go. “And sadly, you know it’s true," Rey adds.

 

There was a knock on the door at the end of the hallway, coming from the front door. Both of them looked toward the sound. A familiar, faint sound calls her name from behind it.

 

There was a flash of betrayal in his face. “You called Finn to come and get you...? When?”

 

Her eyes narrowed. “I texted him, but I didn’t think he’d come over here.” She finally got past him and made her way towards the front door. “Sorry that he's my best friend and he actually cares for me. God forbid someone actually gives a shit about me, right?” Nothing was apologetic in her tone. Everything was bitter at this moment.

 

He put his hand on the front door just as she placed her hand on the handle. “How could you even say that? After all we’ve been through? You think you mean nothing to me?” It was rhetorical, so she didn’t say anything. “For fuck's sake, Rey, you’re the _only_ thing that matters to me. There's nothing else."

 

“Interesting," she feigns confusion, "When you were so quick to leave me last night? Since, as of lately, you haven't really been around half as much - saying you're caught up at work? What have you been up to anyway? You don't tell me anything. You gave up on whatever this is between us and it shows, Ben. Or I guess, showed... considering this is now over.” She tried to go for the handle again and twisted it opening the door, revealing a concerned Finn.

 

His hand was still on the door, pushing a little so she couldn’t open it all the way, blocking her from leaving again. “This isn't over? You won't even let me explain. I don't even get a chance to explain. Please listen to me. Please," he pleads.

 

Briefly, she stills at how desperate his voice sounds. But before he can think that he's able to reel her back in, she continues, “I’ll come back to pick up my things soon, Ben. Just let me go.” After that was yet another pause - Ben staring at Rey with an imploring look, begging her to stay with him. Ben’s hand slides down the door when he realizes that nothing will stop her from leaving him. Rey watches on cooly as his hand finally comes off the door. She didn’t dare to face him again as she opened the door all the way and finally stepped outside, meeting Finn, who immediately embraced her as they walked down the stairwell.

 

The door slides shut but doesn't close all the way. He wasn’t going to go and run after her. He knew better. So with a final, defeated shove, he locks the door and places his forehead against the cool surface, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

Now, even with the tv on and the sirens outside, their one-bedroom NYC apartment never sounded so empty and quiet.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t always bad.

 

There were really good parts. Being with him was so easy.

 

The shirt she pulled out of her backpack turned out to be her favorite one of his. She'd always slept in it before...

 

She’s not sure why she puts the shirt on when the smell of him still lingers at night. Somehow, she thinks, the pain is a strange reminder of him and how nice it used to be with him. Each night she’s brought back to a different memory of him.

 

There’s a heavy weight on her chest. She wants to cry out but she doesn’t for fear of Finn hearing her.

 

This is how she falls asleep each night.

 

* * *

 

He thinks he can still feel her warmth beside him in the bed sheets. Which is ridiculous because it’s been weeks without her now. Her scent was welcoming at first, to help him sleep at night, but over time, he couldn’t bear it.

 

They probably weren’t meant to end up together. Nevertheless, he was so thankful for whatever force brought them together.

 

Some of her things are still around him in their apartment. Little things that Finn didn’t pack up for her. He doesn’t think he’d ever throw away anything of hers. Not even the sun-drenched linen candle that she'd burned all the way down and forgot to throw out. You know, just in case she ever comes back to him. To throw it away.

 

After that day, everything goes back to the darkness he was once comfortable with. Eventually though, he realizes without her, he can't stand it anymore. When he met her, she was so bright and always lighting up a room with her smile. He hopes he didn’t take that away from her. Because even in his dreams, she’s still smiling at him like she used to.

 

He’s so tired. He doesn’t get enough sleep these days.

 

* * *

 

“Rey, are you coming with us?” Finn asked her, sitting on the couch beside her. She shook her head, watching the tv screen in front of her. “Come on, peanut, you have to get out of here. This isn’t helping you get over him, you realize that, right?”

 

He was right. All she ever did lately was work and just come back to Finn’s place. She wouldn’t tell him anything either and she knew that was starting to get to him. “I just don’t think I’m ready yet.”

 

He didn’t say anything and for a moment just looked at her, concern written across his face. Then, “Rey. It’s been two months.” She bit her lip and looked down at her hands. She knows that. “I won’t push you, I promise,” he told her quickly, “I’m sorry. I love you, you know that. We can maybe try next week, then?”

 

She hugged him and nodded, not really sure if she’d be ready at that point either, but she really hoped so. Every time she went out, she would see places that they’d been to before and it hurt her more than she’d care to admit. She wonders every day if he’s the same way or if he’s going about his days carefree to Jason’s Deli ordering his favorite turkey sandwich without mayo. Does he still remember her order? Does he think of her? Does he miss her?

 

She checks out his social media on all accounts every now and then - Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, you name it - just to see if he posts anything. He doesn’t. He never really used them in the first place but that doesn't stop her. If there was even the slightest insight on to how he was doing, it would be something. She thinks about him every single day. Each day less and less.

 

Until one day, she stops snooping on his social media and she's finally able to think for herself.

 

* * *

 

Going to his mother was extremely difficult. When they were together, she would show up to his family functions even when he couldn't. Work always came first and when that wasn't an excuse, he just didn't want to go. Rey knew his family very well and Leia absolutely adored her.

 

But he went there regardless because he thinks it might help him. Wasn’t this the first step she was always telling him about? He never listened, always argued with her over it. And every time he got defensive, she was patient with him.

 

When Leia opened the door to reveal her son standing behind it, she was shocked at the state of him. He looked miserable. He attempted to say something to her but found he didn’t exactly know what to say or how to say it. “Oh, Ben, come here,” she’d told her son, pulling him into her arms, hugging him tightly.

 

He let out one choked sob before returning the hug just as tightly as she was holding him. She thinks she knows why he’s there, but doesn’t say anything. Leia moves him into the house, towards the living area, where they find Han sitting on the couch, arm draped across the back of it, holding the tv remote, switching channels. Leia felt her son freeze and tense up so she stopped walking with him and cleared her throat to get her husband’s attention.

 

“Who was it?” Han asked, slowly turning his head towards where he heard his wife.

  
He almost dropped the remote when he saw his son standing right beside her. Han honestly didn’t know how to approach this situation. It had been - _god_ , he doesn’t remember since he’d last seen Ben. He stood up from his seat steadily, as if not to scare him off. When he reached them at a comfortable distance, he didn’t want to get too close, he glanced at Leia, who had an upset look on her face as if his son’s emotions had taken over hers. They were always more connected than he had ever been with Ben. He regrets that now more than ever.

 

“Hey kiddo,” he said without thinking, and Han wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say because there was a long pause after and he thinks that it might have been best if he just stayed put. Then, Ben took a small step before reaching out to his father. Han opened up his arms on instinct as his son threw himself into them in a tight embrace.

 

Leia watched as Han’s hands gripped around Ben’s shoulders. When she heard Ben’s sobs, she rushed over to them and placed her arms around them, kissing the top of her son’s head, crying along with him. Han moved his arm to hold her as the three of them stood there for a moment.

 

This was a turning point.

 

* * *

 

Rey decided to go with her friends to go check a movie they’d all been wanting to go see as soon as it came out. Afterward, Poe brought up the idea of going to a bar to have a couple of drinks.

 

Once inside the Catina, she sets her jacket on the booth they picked out and walked over to the bar after asking what everyone wanted. It was pretty busy and she isn’t surprised - it is the beginning of the weekend after all. Usually, she hates being out in crowds but tonight was actually fun so she wasn’t minding it too much. The bartender catches her eye and she asks for the beers Poe and Finn asked for as well as the mojito Rose wanted. Rey still wasn’t decided on what she wanted so she asks the guy working what they have on draft. “Try this out,” the bartender, named Chance she learns, says to her as he hands her a light colored beer he poured for her. “It’s from a local brewery and it’s a favorite here,” he grins. “On the house.” Rey blushes and thanks him and then walks away from the bar, squeezing between people as she makes her way back to the table her friends are at, holding the drinks carefully.

 

She hands Finn and Poe their drinks and looks at Rose as she slides in beside her, “Hey, they said they’d bring yours to the table soon. They’re super busy.” Rose doesn’t mind and they bring Rey into a conversation about the movie from earlier.

 

A couple of minutes later, Chance brings Rose her mojito and she thanks him with a huge smile on her face, taking a sip immediately. “Anything else I can get for you guys?” He asks the group of them, looking at Rey last with a smile.

 

“No, I think we’re good right now,” she smiles back at him. “But thank you!”

 

He nods, “Well if you need anything else, you know where to find me.” Pointing back towards the bar.

 

Rey nods her head at him and he walks away. When she looks back at her friends, they’re all looking at her with shit-eating-grins. She rolls her eyes and she knows exactly what they’re thinking. “No, you guys. Please don’t start.” They don’t say anything and thankfully leave it alone for the time being. It doesn’t really start back up again until Rose and Rey go back to the bar to cash out their tab towards the end of their night out.

 

As she was signing her receipt, Rey looks up and puts the pen on top of the paper and slides it away from her. “Thanks, Chance!”

 

At this point, Rose is doing the same thing and watches as the bartender leans over the bar slightly. She listens in on him asking her if she’d like to hang out sometime and it gets really awkward when she’s not really sure what to tell him. “I-I …,” she stutters, and he nods, telling her that he understands. “Wait, no, I mean, I’m so sorry. I'm so bad at this anyway, but I just recently got out of a seven-year-long relationship with someone and I’m still kind of processing all of that. But if I weren’t dealing with that, I definitely would.”

 

Rose’s face falls as she keeps listening in, keeping her eyes on her receipt. “No worries, I totally get it,” the bartender tells Rey, cleaning a glass with a washcloth. She hears Rey ask her if she’s ready to go and she snapped her head up and nodded quickly. Snaking her arm around Rose’s, they meet up with the other two waiting for them by the door.

 

On their walk back to their cars, Rose pulls ever so slightly on Rey to slow her down, letting the guys walk ahead of them. “Rey,” she starts to tell her in a cautious way, “I know you’re … doing better since…,” she trails off, careful not to mention him to her. “Well, anyway, I just want to make sure that you actually are... doing okay?"

 

Rey turns to look at her. “I promise. You guys don’t need to worry about me. I’m over it.” Rose doesn’t look convinced. It is written clear as day on her face. So Rey continues, “I’m almost completely over it.”

  
Another lie.

 

* * *

 

“Hi, my name's Ben and I’m an alcoholic.”

 

This was step number two, it seems. This was ultimately why she’d left him and it haunted him to this day. “I’ve been sober for four months now… Um, I’ve had an ongoing issue with my family and alcohol was something I turned to as a result of that. I’ve been struggling with it since I was 17.” He pauses. Everyone in the group is watching him, waiting for him to finish patiently. “My ex-girlfriend and I were together for seven years and she left me because of it. Just recently.” Another pause. “I didn’t really think I needed anyone and, you know, I felt invincible - nothing could touch me. Nothing could hurt me. And I guess maybe it was my fault... Well, no actually it definitely was my fault. I know that now. Probably due to my inability to push aside my pride for her, to get the help I needed, even when she’d given me an ultimatum, I never listened. Didn’t think it’d actually happen.”

 

His tone lowered the more he spoke and he got softer, almost shying away from them, talking to himself. He closed his eyes shut for a brief moment, shaking his head. “She changed her mind about me and it was _that_ fast.” He hates talking about her now; he hates the way his chest hurts. The ache was so raw and so powerful, he wanted to rip his heart out and crush it with his bare hands. “I’m so _exhausted_.”

 

With that, he sat back down and everyone was quiet for a moment, processing his words. “Thank you for sharing your story, Ben,” the volunteer leader of this A.A. chapter said to him. “Would anyone else like to share their story?”

 

Ben’s focus was on his hands, resting in his lap the entire time. He’d talked about her and all he could think about was her. Some days he can’t get past wondering if she’s moved on by now with some ideal image of a guy with zero issues. It haunts him thinking how he wanted to have just one more conversation with her now. In his mind, he believes he could right the wrongs he’d done by her.

 

At the end of the meeting, he tries to walk out of the auditorium unnoticed but someone calls his name. He turns to the sound and sees a dark-haired woman walking towards him. “Bazine Netal,” she extends her hand out to him, introducing herself. He takes it. “I was really moved by your story… and forgive me if I overstep any boundaries or anything but I understand exactly what you’re dealing with. I went through something very similar.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say to that. Sharing that was like an invasion of privacy he didn’t want to but knew he had to do. “Ah,” he simply says to her, nodding his head while placing a hand behind his neck. “Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one.”

 

“Yeah, well, I just uh…,” she trips over her next words, “I just wanted to come over and introduce myself. And I guess, without sounding extremely corny, it’s great that you’re here with us. We have a wonderful group of people here and if you need anything at all, you’re more than welcome to reach out to any of us at any time.”

 

He manages to give her a small smile. “Thank you, Bazine, I appreciate it.”

 

They talk a little bit after that, about trivial things, to get to know one another. A couple of minutes later, Ben finds himself walking down the street back towards his apartment. Bazine’s name was a new addition to his phone. “Just in case you need to talk to somebody,” she told him.

 

He had a couple of months left on the lease with the apartment and he knew he was going to move out. It was only a matter of time. Most nights, he found himself sleeping at his parents' house in the guest room because the silence was too much. Leia and Han were extremely supportive and helpful during all of this. They always hoped he would come back to them, just not this way.

 

One night, when Ben showed up with his hands tucked into his pockets, Han wrapped an arm around his shoulders, tugging him closer to him. “I’m proud of you.”

 

It helps.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ Heavy influence from "Girls" in this chapter during the AA meeting, if anyone noticed that.  
> \+ [Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JTyRa16TFY) that helped with the inspo for this fic.  
> \+ I really appreciate you taking the time to read this! I haven't written anything in so long but something in me really wanted to write this. Be gentle pls, if you will. <3


	2. the kind of love we had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
> 
> we go back at first, then jump forward
> 
>   
> 

 

* * *

  
At university, every Tuesday and Thursday, her alarm goes off at 5 am and she'd get ready to go to economics.

And she fucking hates economics. To be honest, she’s not even sure how she’s going to pass the class. She tries so hard to take notes diligently and she still doesn’t get it. What’s worse is that the fifteen-day mark had already passed to drop the class without any penalty and now she was 100% stuck with it.

Making her way into the building, she sits down inside the classroom where she can see a couple of others have already filled in the first two rows. She decides on sitting somewhere in the middle. She was sure the professor thought she was completely brainless every time he called on her to answer a question. It probably didn’t help that she would look at up at him like a deer in headlights. In her mind, she's convinced that if she can blend in with the crowd, he would stop calling on her.

A guy slumped down into the seat beside her. His annoyed exhale caught her attention. She watched from the corner of her eyes as he picked up the writing pad connected to the chair and locked it in front of him, putting a large white paper cup on it. He removed the plastic lid to the cup and she could smell the aroma of coffee almost instantly.

Figuring he was probably just trying to cool it down, she turned back to her phone, scrolling through her Twitter timeline. Then came the hissing sound from a can opening and her eyes shifted over to the desk to her side. She saw massive hands holding a Monster can, pouring some of the energy drink into the coffee. Her eyes widened in disgust and shock.

“I’m going to die,” the guy next to her muttered quietly to himself, sleep still evident in his voice. And before she could even say a word to him, to stop him, he drank it. At this point, Rey turned her head completely to watch him swallow the disgusting poison he'd created.

“Holy shit, dude,” she said out loud. He looked at her. His eyes were so tired, bags underneath them. His black hair looked like he had just rolled out of bed and ran a hand through it. Rey had noticed him before but she couldn’t remember his name. “That was… pretty intense,” she laughed.

He didn’t really look amused, probably the sleep deprivation. “Yeah,” he took another sip and she grimaced. He didn't even seem to be bothered by the taste of it either. “Classes this early should really be banned. This is ungodly.”

Nodding her head in agreement, she turned her head back to the front of the class where the professor had walked in and announced that he would start in a couple of minutes. “What’s your name?”

She turns. “I’m Rey.”

“Ben,” he says, holding out his hand to her.  
  
She takes it.

 

* * *

 

When she spaces out, she can see him looking down at her with a large smile. She comes back to the moments she stole from their time together when she feels low enough. There’s one particular time in her life which she replays over and over again.

The first summer they spent together; there were three weeks where it just wouldn’t stop raining. Whenever there was a break in the weather, Ben and Rey would plan out what they needed to do and run as fast they could to get errands done. Grocery shopping was one of Rey’s favorite things to do; she loved experimenting with cooking. Even though Ben wasn’t fond of going to three different grocery stores every Sunday, he did it anyway because of the happiness she radiated every time he agreed.

Living in the city meant having to carry as many bags as you possibly could wherever you went and planning your route out. Ben carried 80% of the stuff they bought and Rey would stand up on her tiptoes to peck him on the nose and cheek to show her gratitude.

They ran back to their apartment, newly leased to them, in a rainstorm. When they made it through the entrance to their building, they slowed down. A crack of thunder sounded as they made it upstairs to the top floor; walking straight towards a door labeled 2C that had a welcome mat just outside of it with a vibrant sunflower on it and the phrase reading “hello sunshine” in a nice cursive font. This was them.

Rey struggled to find her key for a moment then unlocked the door and hobbled inside, putting the bags down on the table beside the kitchen. The door slammed shut behind Ben as he walked through, placing both arms full of groceries down on the floor beside the kitchen. Rey laughed out loud and Ben shook his hair out of his eyes, pushing it back with his hand to look at her.

He started laughing with her once he noticed how drenched she was. He looked the exact same. Grinning, he made his way over to her in the kitchen. Reaching her, he put his arms around her and placed them on the counter behind her, blocking her in. “You look so cute,” she told him, now using her own hand to push his hair back. His response was to shake his hair and get even more water on her. Shrieking, she tried her best to get away but he wouldn’t let her. His arms wrapped around her. “Ben!”

He ignored her and picked her up, setting her back down on the counter she was just leaning against. And here, this exact moment, this was what drove her insane - the moment she replays constantly.

With a laugh, Rey told him to set her back down. She looked down at him, but not by much, even with her height up on the counter, she wasn’t that much taller than him. Ben’s grin slowly disappeared as he craned his neck slightly to look up at her.

It’d be stupid to think that time stopped but for them, it really felt like it did. All they could hear was the sound of the downpour outside, the crack of thunder ripping through the sky and the rustle of an apple falling from one of the bags and onto the tile of the kitchen. No words had to be exchanged for them to understand how they felt. Rey placed a small hand on his face. It trailed up to his hair again; she loved his dark locks. Brushing it a little through her fingers, she grabbed onto the end of it and tugged down, pulling his head up to look at her even more. Her face got closer to his and she smiled down at him, leaning down to kiss him softly.

Pulling back, Rey noticed his eyes had fluttered shut. His mouth was still lingering for another kiss of hers.

There was no way she’d ever be prepared for the second he opened his eyes. The adoration he displayed in a simple look was too much for her. And looking back on it now, Rey’s heart wrenches at the thought of it.

In her own cozy, little two-bedroom apartment now, she wonders if he’s doing okay. Staring outside the huge window from the comfort of her couch, looking out on the view of the busy street below her, she thinks back on how nice their time had been it the brightest of times, ignoring the bad ones. Because that's what you do, right? You always linger on the good things; those "what-could-have-been" thoughts just trickle in without want. 

It’s been almost a year now.

And while she would never admit to it, she still misses him from time to time.

 

* * *

 

He finally moved out of their apartment. It was painful but it had to be done. Han and Leia had helped him when he moved into another place, a studio. Something a lot smaller but it was manageable. He didn’t need all that space anyway.

In a final effort to do the right thing by Rey even when she wasn’t around anymore, he finally quit his job working for Senator Snoke. Over the years, he realized that he didn’t really believe in the political ideologies of his boss any longer but decided to stay with them since it was all he ever knew and for so long. When he came to the cold realization that Rey would never be coming back for him, Ben wanted nothing to do with any aspect of his old life. He hoped that she would be proud of him and he thinks she definitely would have been.

Ben’s resume was impressive enough. He could have had any job as a political advisor for anyone but he didn’t want that role anymore. Journalism was something he was always extremely interested in. When the opportunity came up to work for a very credible news source - _The Republic Network_ , so he couldn’t pass it up. His main focus was to be in politics for the time being until he could branch out. He still had a lot to learn there.

Everything was going pretty well for him for a while.

But of course, it comes out of nowhere and when he least expects it.

He sees her friends, Finn and Rose, randomly one day in the city, just near the building where he works. They had just stepped out of a convenience shop he frequented. He stopped dead in his tracks and immediately looked to the ground beneath him, wishing hell would open up and just swallow him whole. _They probably won’t recognize me_ , he thinks hopefully to himself. He’s wrong; Finn is staring at him when he starts moving again. There isn’t any way to avoid this scenario so he just gives up.

“Hey Ben,” Finn says modestly, with his arm around Rose, as Ben walks a little closer to them.

“Finn,” he nods to him, in a professional kind of way then turns to Rose and asks how they’re doing.

“We’re good!” He says, glancing to Rose for verification of some kind and then back to him, shrugging, “Everything’s great. How about yourself?” There’s a pause and then, “You look great. Healthy.” Rose grimaces at that, almost as if she felt sorry for him.

Ben hated every second of this. Running a hand through his hair, he forgets how much shorter it was now since he’d cut it to keep it off his neck. He inhaled deeply. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. I’m actually just heading into work,” he quickly points over to the tall, shiny skyscraper behind the couple.

Confused, Finn and Rose check it out behind them and turn back to the tall man in front of them. “You don’t work with Snoke anymore?” Finn asked him.

“Uh, no. No, I don’t. I actually quit not too long ago.” He doesn’t bring up any reasoning and they don't ask him for one. He wanted to keep this encounter as brief as possible but it had already extended beyond what he anticipated.

Ben thinks that Finn must be really impressed by this information and with a fleeting thought, imagines what he’ll do with it. “That’s awesome, man,” Finn says genuinely.

“How do you like it?” Rose asks him with a piqued interest in his new job.

“It’s great. Different but a lot easier, considering…,” he trails off then, not really wanting to go into much more detail.

He doesn’t know if it would be appropriate to ask them how she’s doing and he struggles with that internally for a moment. Finn and Rose just stand there as he looks down at his feet, having many questions of their own but not saying anything.

“How is she?”

Finn looks at Rose momentarily then back to him. Ben is looking up at him now with careful eyes. Cautiously he says, “Rey is… doing well. She’s better now obviously. At first, I mean, it wasn’t easy.” Ben nods quickly, accepting whatever he was given. “But yeah, she’s great. She has her own place now, finally got her out of mine.” It was supposed to lighten the mood, but it didn’t really have that effect.

“Well,” Ben hesitates, “I’m glad. To hear that.” _Tell her I said hello. Tell her I still miss her, every day probably. Tell her to come back to me. Tell her I still love her._ And with that, he looks down at his watch and says, “It was great seeing you guys, I have to run inside.” They agreed that they should also be on their way.

When Ben pushes through the tall glass door of the building, he lets out a deep breath, feeling like he was punched in the stomach.

 

* * *

 

“ _You saw him?_ ”

Rey was in disbelief. Her heart was racing.

Trying not to cause a scene at the table of the sushi restaurant she was at with her friends, she tried to keep her voice neutral. Upon hearing the news that both Finn and Rose had seen him, her voice couldn’t help it but go up a couple of notches.

“Yeah,” Finn dragged out, cringing. Not really bothering to elaborate. Meanwhile, Poe and Rey were seated next to each other across from him and Rose, both wearing the exact same expression on their faces.

“Well,” Poe says, placing his chopsticks down after swallowing his food, “How was the … encounter?”

Finn turned to Rose to have her tell the story, she, however, decided to stuff a roll of sushi in her mouth. Perfect timing, Finn narrowed his eyes at her. She shrugged at him, helplessly. “He was on his way to work,” he finally blurted out, taking a sip of his water.

“Work?” Rey asked them, confused. “What were you guys doing on that side of town? That’s like half an hour away from your place?”

“Yeah, so, he actually doesn’t work for Snoke any longer. He’s actually working for TRP in that tall building downtown.”

Rey wasn’t expecting that. At all. She all but choked on her drink. “Wait, I'm sorry, what?”

Finn was nodding his head before she could finish. “He quit working there recently, evidently. He didn’t really say much. Right, Rose?” Trying his best at having Rose take over the questions at that point, he ate some of his own sushi from their plate.

“How… how did he look?” Rey’s voice went a little softer than she intended. She hoped they wouldn’t read too much into it. They would anyway.

It was Rose’s turn to answer this question. “He looked good… very healthy? His hair was a lot shorter than the last time we saw him." Rose’s eyebrows furrowed as she watched Rey’s face fall, deep in thought. “Finn and I just assumed that he had most likely stopped drinking because he looked so much healthier and less … I don’t know, tired I guess? But overall, he still looked like himself."

“That’s good,” Rey said, absentmindedly, “good.” She took another sip from her drink and wishes it was something harder.

“He did ask about you,” Rose added. Not really sure if that helped at all but judging by the way her eyes jumped up at that and how her posture changed, Rose knew it meant something to her.

“Really?”

“Yeah, we said you were doing great, of course. And he said he was glad. And that was it.” Finn nodded his head in agreement there.

Rey sat in silence for a while after the conversation went in another direction thanks to Poe. She didn’t want to raise any concerns, so she doesn’t let it get to her while she’s around them. When she gets back to her apartment that night, she lets it eat away at her.

His hair is shorter, her stomach turns. She feels uneasy; it upsets her for some odd reason - he always used to ask her if he needed to cut his hair. She knows that it shouldn't bother her; she doesn’t have any right. It’s been a year and some odd days.

Grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge, she opens it up and drinks the rest of it.

He asked about her.

 _Damn him._ She cries for him again.

 

* * *

 

Bazine asks Ben to go out with her one night and he agrees. He didn’t really think of it as a date, just that they were two close friends going to see a movie together. And maybe he’s oblivious to the fact that she’s dressed up a little fancier than usual and wore a little bit more makeup than she normally does. She looks beautiful, he can’t lie.

Outside the theater, they’re in line to get two tickets to the latest romantic comedy that she had been begging him to go watch. He chuckles at her excitement as she orders two tickets from the guy sitting behind the glass at the box office. She reaches for her purse but Ben already has his card out, handing it to him to pay. “Thank you,” she smiles, taking her own ticket from him.

Once inside, he asks her if she wants something to drink or eat from the concession stand. She shakes her head but then puts a hand on his arm to stop him, “Actually, can you get me a Coke? If you don’t mind.” Excusing herself to go to the restroom, he’s left alone in the line to get her drink.

“Can I get a large popcorn and water, please?”

His blood runs cold and he stands still. He knows that voice all too well.

The girl behind the counter is looking at him to go up next. He falters. “Hi, can I please get a large Coke?” he says quietly to her, hoping not to draw much attention. The girl eyes him weirdly before grabbing a cup and filling it with ice. He’s handing the card over to her to pay for the drink.

“Would you like your receipt?” Shaking his head, he grabs the drink and walks away as quickly as possible. As he’s making his way to his section of the movie theater, he sees her by the restrooms, along the wall, staying away from the middle of the crowd. She doesn’t notice him at first, looking at something inside her bag. It’s like his soul reaches out to her and he’s stopping himself from the pull of it. He wants so badly to go to her. It’s been so long. Drinking in the sight of her with greedy eyes, he notices her hair was a half bun, half down kind of way. She wore jeans with black converse and a fitted t-shirt covered by a faux-leather jacket. Not much has changed and for some reason that makes his heart do summersaults.

So lost in his own reverie, he almost didn’t hear Bazine calling his name out at first. But he heard her and looked at his friend walking towards him. “Hey, you ready to go inside?” she asked him.

Beside the wall, Rey’s neck snapped up at the sound of his name and her eyes searched around the crowded room frantically. Once she finally saw him, he was standing there with a drink in hand and grinning down at a dark-haired woman beside him. Ben hands the drink over to her and she smiles at him in a loving kind of way which makes her stomach drop.

All of a sudden, there are so many questions she needs to be answered. _Are they lovers? Has he officially moved on from her? Is this who he’s going to end up with?_ She can’t take it, feeling like she’s going to throw up, she runs into the restroom, hiding inside a bathroom stall.

Ben looks over to where she was just standing and doesn’t find her there. “Everything okay?” Bazine asks him, noticing the look of confusion he projected.

Maybe she wasn’t real? Although he could have sworn she was.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he tells Bazine. “Let’s go find our seats.”

Inside the stall, Rey is sitting on top of the toilet, looking at her hands as they shake in front of her. Taking deep breaths, she tries to calm herself down. _It isn’t real, it isn’t real, it isn’t real._ It’s the same mantra she repeats to herself whenever she thinks she’s seen him. Most times it’s all in her head. But this time, she’s sure of it. “Rey? You in here?”

Clearing her throat, she pretends to flush the toilet and then takes a second to make sure she wasn’t crying or anything. She opens up the door to her stall. “Hey Rose, you ready?” she asks her friend with a huge smile on her face.

Not convinced, Rose took a look at Rey’s hands and noticed they were balled up tight and slightly shaking. “What happened?” Shrugging it off, Rey pretends she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost, come on, tell me.”

There are so many people around her and Rey doesn’t feel like breaking down and crying in front of all of them right now. “Please, Rose, don’t make me do this here?”

“You saw him, didn’t you?”

Rey nodded. “Yes.” She bites down on her lip. “But let’s not do this here. Let’s go find the guys and go watch this stupid movie.”

Rose lets Rey drag her away from the restroom and their conversation. She watches closely as Rey walks around the theater timidly, eyes searching every single inch of the place. He was definitely somewhere very close around her. And if not, then her imagination was running very vividly.

The entire time they watch the movie, Rey is still in her seat, waves of paranoia washing over her, feeling like there’s a pair of eyes on her back. Was she maybe just losing it? No, there was no way. She knows for a fact that she saw him.

When the movie finishes, Rey begs her group of friends to stay seated for a while on the off chance that Ben and that girl are inside their stadium.

They weren’t.

There’s a deep sigh of relief.

 

* * *

 

Months passed and winter arrived earlier than expected for everyone. Heavy amounts of snow cause the city to basically shut down and the mayor tells citizens to stay inside their homes as much as possible. The streets are basically empty for the first time in a while, let alone for a couple who weren’t heeding the warning given to them. The thin layer of fog rolling in was a welcoming sight; she loved every season, finding beauty in every form. While she thinks summer was her favorite of the four, winter comes in a very close second.

She’s alone, reading a book on her favorite spot on the couch, overlooking the city below her. It was still early in the morning and she wishes she could fall back asleep. Work had sent out an email late last night explaining the upcoming snow day event and she had already fallen asleep by then, but not before setting her alarms for the morning.

Around noon, Rey comes to the realization that she has absolutely nothing in the pantry, fridge, and cabinets to eat for lunch. Frustrated, she tugs on her best winter clothing and makes her way outside into the freezing temperatures. Pulling her scarf up to rest on top of her nose, leaving only her eyes to fight the weather, she makes her way slowly to the subway.

To her surprise, even though there isn't a whole lot of people walking around in the city, there’s definitely a lot more than she expected to be at the grocery store. Grabbing a basket, she makes her way towards the pasta sauce. Spaghetti was comfort food, especially for her. Facing the many different types of marinara and variations of it, she’s deep in thought, wondering what the best option is.

Deciding on the plain marinara, Rey finally takes off her leather gloves to grab the jar and places it in her basket. Exiting from the aisle, she bumps into somebody by accident and she’s swinging around to apologize out of habit when she stops dead in her tracks. “Ben,” she says his name all too quickly, without even thinking about it.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he stutters, swallowing nervously. Then - “how are you?”

This is extremely awkward and she knows it. There's no way they can just have a regular conversation like this. It doesn’t feel right. And Rey can tell just how uncomfortable he is by the way his body is angled towards her - one half of him is showing full attention to her, while the other half of him is basically ready to leave. “Good, I’m good… how about you? How are you?”

He nods noncommittally, looking to his side, down at her. “Yeah, same.” This is where the conversation should have probably ended. But it doesn’t. For some strange reason, it continues. “What are you doing out here? This weather is awful.”

She almost laughs. “Oh, I know. I- uh- I actually didn’t have anything to eat, didn’t really think the storm was going to be this big of a deal.”

He laughed quietly, surprising both of them. “I didn’t think so either. I wasn’t ready for it.” He looks down at her basket. “Spaghetti?”

This time she nods, looking down at her basket, seeing the jar in there, then over to his. Almost the mirror image of hers. Confused, she asks, “You too?”

Shrugging, he says, “It’s great comfort food. Especially in this shitty weather.” Rey’s jaw almost drops - this is what she’d been saying to herself earlier. It’s so easy getting back into this pattern with him, she almost forgets how they got here.

“Excuse me,” Rey hears someone mutter from behind her, slightly annoyed with her that she was standing in the middle of the two aisles. His bare hand reaches out to her shoulder to move her slightly with him - out of instinct. Or maybe an old habit. With the number of layers she has on, she can barely feel it but the touch was still there.

He drops his hand quickly though, turning his body now to face her fully. “You live around here?” he changes the subject almost as quick.

“Well, kind of,” she mutters, “A couple of streets down… over by Madison. Nearby the bridge, you know. Had to get here with the subway actually. I just love this grocery store.”

“I know,” he replies instantly. Her eyes snap to his but he’s already looking down. Does he come here often because of her? In hopes of running into her one day? She’s probably blushing because she can feel the heat rising in her cheeks, hoping he won’t notice. Something about him going to this store for her… it’s a warm thought.

“What about you?”

“Hmm?” Ben looks up at her question. “Live around here?” Taking her nod as a confirmation, he continues, “I’m just around the corner. Not too far from here.”

Then - almost as if God himself were playing a cruel trick on her - the lights began flickering if only slightly before remaining steady again. “Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather we will be closing early. Please bring your groceries to the front as soon as possible.”

Everyone around her starts flooding towards the front. “Shit, I need to grab the pasta,” Rey says out loud to herself.

“Here you can have my basket. I basically have everything you'll need, I think,” he tells her kindly.

“Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly… what will you have?”

“It’s alright, really. I could grab something frozen real fast.”

Something doesn’t sit right with her. It’s slowly eating at her and before she can stop herself, she’s telling him, “We could share?”

He’s confused and a beautiful bewildered expression crosses his features. “Wait, what?” he laughs. “It’s alright, Rey. Please just take this.” He’s reaching into her basket and replacing the marinara with what he had grabbed off the shelf. There’s a reluctant swap of baskets on her end and she shakes her head at him. She decides to ignore the fact that her mind was racing and her stomach was twisting at the sound of her name coming so easily out of his mouth.

“What I meant was that we could share it like… cook it together?” Just like old times. _Please, please, please don’t take this the wrong way_ , she begs.

“Oh.” There’s a pause, him thinking about her offer. “Sure,” he finally agrees. “Why not.”

“I guess we can do it at my place? Just need to take the subway a little way-”

“No, it looks like it’s picked up outside, we can head over to my place. It’s seriously not that far. Sounds like it’s a whole lot closer than yours anyway.” And he’s right. She doesn’t argue with that logic. Ben grabs her basket and places it inside the empty one he’s carrying, walking with her towards the cashier, waiting on them. Their debate had cleared out the entire store, they were all waiting on them to leave now.

A pair of leather gloves, hers, are being handed over to her and she realizes they were inside the basket. “Thank you,” she tells him. Not even hesitating to pay for it, Ben hands his card to the lady ringing him up. Watching this happen before her, Rey is brought back to the many times they went to this exact store to grab groceries.

Their walk to his place lasted about five minutes. Without the weather beating down on them, she’s certain that it could’ve been a lot quicker. Inside the building, she’s shaking the snow off of her, running a hand through her hair once the beanie came off. They get inside the elevator, Ben still holding the groceries and fumbling with the keys. It wasn’t awkward walking side by side in the snow but now that it was completely silent with limited space in the elevator, she’s freaking out on the inside. Looking up at him, she’s floored when she notices he’s already looking at her.

The elevator stops on his floor and dings, the doors opening. He walks down the hallway, her following him and once he finds his door, he unlocks it and steps inside the darkness, switching on a light in the kitchen. Rey wasn’t sure what she expected but it wasn’t this. His apartment looked very nice and very homey for the most part. “Sorry if it's kinda messy,” he’s telling her, eying the living room for example. There was nothing but a coffee cup on the table in front of the couch and some papers lying around, with a laptop sitting just on top of them.

She can't help but laugh at that. “It’s fine, seriously. You need help?” Naturally, she begins to slide her coat off, placing it on the couch. Her beanie and gloves are added onto that pile. Kicking off her boots, Rey makes her way over to the kitchen to help him start making the spaghetti.

Placing a pot full of water on top of his stove, he turns it on and then says, “I’ll be right back. Make yourself at home.” He falters in his steps, mentally going over what he’d just said to her, hoping she doesn’t notice how fidgety he’s being. He rushes over to the wall where his thermostat is, socks sliding on the dark hardwood floor, and turns the heat on. He then makes his way over to the fireplace to light it. It doesn’t take too long before fire catches and he’s satisfied with it. He doesn’t want her to feel uncomfortable seeing as how this entire situation was already extremely out of left field.

“Hey, Ben?” she calls out to him, looking inside one of his cabinets, “where are your seasonings?”

“It’s just in there…,” his voice was quiet behind her, an arm reaching past her to point them out in the back of the cabinet. They aren’t touching but she stills at the proximity of his chest to her spine. She mutters her thanks to him and takes them out, going to the pound of beef she was frying up and starts to season it.

While the water is boiling, Ben grabs the pasta from the box and empties it into the pot. They were side by side at the stove. This felt like so many times before. And if it weren’t for the obvious, it almost was like they never spent any time apart. The dull heartache was quick to remind Rey that everything had changed and that she shouldn’t get too comfortable here.

Leaning against the counter, Ben is looking at her with his arms crossed. “So I hear you don’t work for Snoke any longer…” Rey’s voice is so thin, he almost heard it over the sound of the meat frying in the skillet. “Is that true?”

“Yes,” he answers for her. Then he elaborates, “I work for The Republic Network now.”

“Oh, well that’s different… what made you change your mind?” It gets quiet between the two of them, causing her to look up from the meat she kept moving around in the pan. He has a contemplative look on his face, thoughts running through his mind.

“Just needed to get away from Snoke, the First Order, all of it,” he tells her truthfully, stirring the noodles. _But apart from that, it was mainly you_ , are the words left unsaid there.  
  
“Wow,” she quietly exclaims. “That’s unexpected of you.”

“Yeah,” he laughs out, “believe me, everyone was shocked. Including my parents.”

She stops. “Wait, what? Your parents?”

Scratching at a spot just below his neck, he nods. “Yeah, I actually reconnected with both of them not too long after…” he doesn’t say it, instead of going with, “you know.”

Trying not to sound like a broken record, she stops herself from saying “wow” again. But this is incredible. The progress he made in such a short amount of time made her slightly jealous considering she hadn’t really changed much. Not that she really needed to but he had really went above and beyond to make a difference in his life. Right as she’s going to tell him that it’s amazing, he adds, “I’ve also been sober now for a year and a month now."

Her jaw drops. “Ben,” she can’t seem to find the right words here and stutters before continuing, “that’s amazing… Really. I’m so happy to hear that."

They continue to make the pasta together, not a whole lot being said in their exchanges, just discussing the weather and mundane things to make time pass. Both of them slowly beginning to accept that this is, in fact, happening. Finally, once the food is prepared, Ben grabs two plates for them and he doesn't even bother asking before automatically making her dish the way she always preferred it - a ton of pasta with parmesan cheese sprinkled all over it. Rey's looking at him softly without even realizing it so when he hands the plate to her with a fork, she's pulled out of her daze and thanks him. "We can eat at the table here," he points to the dining table beside the kitchen, "or if you'd like to eat in the living room and see what's on TV?" He already knows what she's going to pick - she always loved eating on the couch in front of the TV back in their old apartment, so he isn't even remotely shocked when she beelines for the living room.

Turning the TV on to the local news, they sit in silence, eating their spaghetti. " _This winter storm has begun to pick up its pace a considerable amount and we're tracking it, looking at maybe the next 24 hours to be under a state of emergency. It is being called the storm of a lifetime._ " Rey swallows her food and turns to look at Ben but he's focused on his plate. "Well, that wasn't what they originally predicted... a state of emergency now? ‘The storm of a lifetime?’ Are you fucking kidding me?" Rey asks in a rhetorical sense. Ben snorts and looks up at her with a look of disbelief. Then they both burst out laughing, understanding the circumstance they've been placed into - there's no way that Rey could possibly walk back home now. She doubts that even a taxi would be out there right now. 

Ben doesn’t know how to approach this at all. But he is careful with his words. “I know there isn’t a whole lot of space here but if you need to stay, I can definitely sleep on the couch and you can have my bed. I’ve got clothes you can change into...” he slowly begins to explain to her.

Taking all of that into account, Rey is still very hesitant to agree. It's easy to forget everything they went through when it's just the two of them again. It's been a year now but it feels like no time has passed since they last saw each other. For her anyway.

Knowing that the weather outside wasn't going to let up anytime soon, Rey has no choice but to agree to stay. "Yeah, that works."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ inspo for the beginning of this chapter was based off a post that i read a long time ago on tumblr: "my favorite college experience is when i had a 7am class and the kid next to me literally poured a monster energy drink into his coffee said “i’m going to die” and drank the whole thing" and no, i wasn't able to find the link to credit whoever posted it unfortunately :(  
> \+ thanks again for reading! or making it to the end of this chapter anyway. <3


	3. running on empty vows

* * *

_This is torture_ , he thinks. Only a wall separates the two of them and he can't help but wonder for hours if she's still awake and can't sleep. Just like him.

Ben had given Rey an old shirt of his and some sweatpants to change into for tonight. She thanked him shyly before shutting the door behind her, presumably heading to sleep. He stared at the door for a couple of seconds where she stood before heading back to the living room to lay down. Shutting his eyes, he tries to will himself to fall asleep. If nothing, he can pretend to rest. It was incredible to Ben how, even after all that time apart, they could so easily fall back into the same routine of daily life. Cooking dinner, watching TV together, going to sleep. Just like how it used to be.

While he's listening to the sound of the crackling of the dying fireplace, he's almost to the point where he thinks he could finally fall asleep. Just then he faintly hears the sound of his bedroom door being open. Ben keeps his eyes closed as he listens to the sound of her walking down the short hallway, a groan being sounded every now and then from the old, wooden flooring of his apartment. She stops and he can tell by the silence, if only for just a moment before she continues into his kitchen. Listening on, he can hear her looking through one of his cabinets, the quiet sound of glasses hitting each other.

He opens his eyes at the sound of running water coming from the faucet. Not wanting to alert her, he slowly gets up to sit on the couch instead. "Oh," Rey said quietly. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," she whispers to him.

He chuckles. "It's alright. I'm barely asleep anyway."

Timidly, she walks over to him and in the pale moonlight coming from the window, he can see her. Her hair is up in a bun on top of her head, she's dressed in his clothing ... and it's too much. He turns to look away from her, running a hand over his face.

"Yeah, I can't sleep either," she reveals to him, answering his burning question. Both of them remain silent then Rey sets her glass down on the coffee table. "Can I ask you something?" she asks as she sits down on the armrest of his couch. He nods, turning back to look at her now. "When did you stop drinking?"

For some reason, he finds it difficult to look her in the eye when he tells her the truth. "Just after you left me."

Rey nods now, mulling that information over quietly. Then - "Your parents... I'd imagine they're so proud of you." Ben stays quiet while she continues. "I miss them." Her vulnerability doesn't go unnoticed as Ben realizes that his family was the closest thing she'd ever had to a real one of her own. He feels awful as this realization comes down on him like a ton of bricks.

"They miss you too," he tells her, seeing her eyes light up slightly at that. "They'll never tell me that, but I can tell. You were always there."

Rey looks down at her hands, clearly debating something as Ben watches her side profile. Her eyebrows furrow as she admits, "Ben, I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you too."

It's a feeling unlike any other for him; it was like he had crossed the finish line of the longest race of his life. He was so tired but felt so alive at the same time. Not knowing what to do with himself, he sits there letting her words replay over and over in his mind, wanting to memorize the sound of them the way they were. He is so lost in his own mind, he barely registers her staring back at him. Leaning over, he hesitantly grabs her hand, covering it with his. "Thank you," he says softly.

Sinking down from the armrest onto the couch, closer to him, Rey can't help the pull. This is dangerous for both of them and she knows it. Ben doesn't mind as he continues to hold her hand. She decides that it might as well be an honest hour for them. It's almost like confessing some of her deepest, darkest truths. "I wish sometimes that it ended differently for us."

His heart's beating so quickly and he thinks it really is unfair how everything went for them. He wants to go back and right the wrongs now so that they could instead be inside their apartment again. Maybe a whole family of their own - with a dog and a child. Probably married at that point, maybe looking to get a house, trying to move out of the city finally. Who knows how it all could've gone? Anything would have been better than this. Because _this_ \- this sucks.

"I saw you at the movie theater one time," she reveals to him so quietly that he almost couldn't hear it himself. Before he can ask her to repeat what she said, she continues. "I saw you with someone else and god, at that moment, I thought that might have been the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. You were so happy and I wanted to be happy for you but... I just couldn't. It was painful seeing you. Especially in that way." Rey removes her hand from underneath his hold and he lets it rest where it lands, in the space between them on the couch.

He remembers that day. "I saw you too."

"Are you with her?" Rey wants, no, she needs to know this. He can tell by the agonized way she asks. "I know that it isn't my place anymore and that you can do whatever you want, so please don't feel guilty or anything because that is the last thing I wanted from this-"

"No," he cuts her off, "Bazine and I are just friends."

She smiles sadly. "Maybe for you... She looked are you like you hung the stars in the sky, Ben. From what I can tell anyway. Though, again, it's not my place."

"It isn't like that," he deflects. "I met her at my A.A. meeting. We haven't... I didn't...," he struggles to find the right words to tell her without going too much into detail about Bazine's past and how they connected through similar stories. After all, she was the only friend he had after Rey left. But it was  _never_ like that between them.

"Ben, I promise it's okay. I'm okay with this, seriously." He doesn't believe her. "You and I aren't together. You can do whatever you want. I can't stop you nor should I feel like I need to," she points out for both of them.

Upset, he stands up from the couch. "No, you're right. We aren't together," he quoted back to her. "But you and I have a ton of history together. I can't just pretend like you aren't there after all of this."

"So what are you suggesting?" she's confused. "Do you want to be friends?"

 _Friends?_ Sure, if that's what it takes to keep her there. "Yeah, I guess so," he shrugs, his arms falling down to his sides. "Whatever you want." He doesn't mean for it to come out as rude as he must have sounded so he retracts. "We could give it a try anyway."

"Okay," she agrees after a minute. "Friends, then."

 

* * *

 

It's bizarre waking up in a bed that isn't her own that smells like him. She only briefly wonders if she dreamt the conversation with Ben last night. Them parting as friends, that's something that truly never crossed Rey's mind. She thinks that it wouldn't be possible, but she's willing to give it a try. If that's what he wants. She groans as she pushes her face into his pillows, breathing in the scent of him. _Not helping_ , she berates herself. "Killing me softly," she mutters, taking one more deep breath before pushing the covers off of her and standing up out of the bed.

She changes back into her clothes and folds his, placing them on his dresser. Rey makes his bed, looking around his bedroom, now everything visible in the morning light. She doesn't know if she's searching for anything in particular - there are no signs of her in this new bedroom. Most importantly, there are no signs of anything from another woman either. Maybe he wasn't lying about this _Bazine_ of his.

Looking out the window, she can tell that it stopped snowing and that the city was working hard to open the streets back up for everyone. Some cars are moving down below and she can see some people walking around.

Stepping outside of his bedroom, she hears the TV is on with international news being broadcasted from it. "Good morning," she calls out to him when she sees him, drinking coffee and working on something on his laptop at the dining room table.

He looks up at her. "Good morning. Would you like some coffee?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll get some," she goes to the kitchen.

But he stands up, "I'll get it for you." She nods and sits down at the table, waiting patiently. A couple of seconds later, he brings her a cup of coffee the way she takes it and she thanks him. "It doesn't look like the storm did too much damage," he informs her. "City should be back up and running today."

"Yeah, I noticed that this morning," she agrees with him, sipping on the coffee. His phone vibrates the table on the other end as he stands up again to grab some more coffee for himself. She can't help but to peak at the message that came in. "Hey, it looks like your mom texted you."

"What's it say?" he asks as he pours coffee behind her. Rey reaches over to grab the phone and attempts to unlock it but it has a passcode.

"I can't tell," she puts the phone up above her head, showing him the display of numbers on his phone. "What's your code?"

"Oh, uh," he pauses. "It's your birthday."

She doesn't turn around to look at him, probably better this way so he can't see the surprise on her face. She puts her date in there and it unlocks to the text message from Leia. "It says, 'Are you okay? Just checking in.'" He sighs behind her now closer than she anticipated, reaching around her frame to grab the phone from her hand. In full view of her now, she watches as he responds to her. "Are you going to tell her?" _That I came over?_ is omitted from her question.

"No," he shakes his head. Pressing send on the text message back to his mother, he sets it back down on the table beside his laptop and sits down. "I mean, not yet anyway. I'm probably visiting them soon, I'll tell them then."

"Can you tell them I said hi and I miss them?" she jokes, smiling into her cup.

He chuckles and says, "Of course. They'll be so thrilled to hear it."

Rey sits with him and watches him as he types away on his laptop. "Are you working right now?"

He hums in affirmation. "Yeah, they want me to submit something early this morning and I kind of lost track of time yesterday. I'm attempting to get it done before I head over there."

She suddenly feels bad, like she's overstayed her welcome now. Feeling like she's bothering him and his work, she downs the rest of her coffee and stands up. "I actually need to head out of here, but I really appreciate your letting me stay here." Grabbing her coat from the chair at the end, she's tugging it on and adjusting her scarf to protect her from the bitter cold outside.

Ben stands up with her and watches her put on her gloves. He pushes his hands into his pockets, "No problem. Anytime."

She walks over to his front door, unlocks it and stands still for a moment. "Your number... is it still the same?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah it is," he confirms.

Nodding, she says, "I'll text you sometime, I guess?" _Since we're friends now? This is so weird_ , she thinks.

"Sounds good. Your number hasn't changed?" She shakes her head. "I'll text you too," he adds.

"Okay, well, thanks again. I'll see you around," she opens the door and the cold instantly attacks her. She's walking out quickly and he grabs onto the door and pushes it to shut after saying goodbye to her.

Once she's back on the subway, making her way to her apartment, she grabs her phone out of her pocket, meaning to text Finn about what happened. Tapping down on the home button, it doesn't light up at all and she realizes her phone died. "Fantastic."

 

* * *

 

The next couple of days pass by for Ben in a blur; he loses track of time easily. He's in disbelief himself, thinking that he might have had the most vivid dream ever. But no, he's a thousand percent aware of the fact that he suggested being friends with his ex-girlfriend. It's ridiculous, the idea of it - he knows that it's most likely impossible but he's willing to see where it goes. He hasn't heard from her since the night she stayed over and he isn't sure how he feels about that. All he knows is that he definitely doesn't want to be the first one to say something. He'll probably wait it out forever at this point.

Arriving at his parent's house, he lets himself in, calling out into the corridor of their massive house. Leia was a UN ambassador for a while until she decided she'd finally step down after many years. And Han, well, he retired from the armed forces a while ago. Ben would never accept it but he was always living up to his father's standards growing up, even attempting to enlist, to see if that would make him proud. Ben backed out of it last minute when he received an acceptance letter to NYU. "Well, it's not for everyone," he'd told him, not even the slightest bit understanding. And he resented him for it. For the longest time. Leia, on the other hand, was thrilled she didn't have to watch her son go to the military.

"Mom? Dad?" he calls out again, looking around the house, wandering all the way to the back, where he found them outside on the patio, sat around the firepit with Chewie and Amilyn, their oldest friends. He opens the sliding glass door to step outside and they all turn to look at him.

"Ben, come join us!" Leia says, excitedly, gesturing to an open chair next to her. Shuffling over to her, he sits down and greets everyone.

"So, Ben, long time no see," Amilyn says beside him. "How have you been?"

"Good, good," he tells her. "How about you?" She gives him a similar response.

"Where's your girlfriend? Rey, is it?" Chewie asks him, over the fire. These people were like family to him, so Ben doesn't really mind going into detail.

Before he can respond, Leia is already answering for him. "Well, actually, they broke up about a year ago now."

"Oh, no, Ben, I'm so sorry. She was lovely," Amilyn consoles him.

He actually laughs now and the group is confused. "Yeah, it's alright. I actually wanted to tell you guys," he looks to his parents now, "that I saw her the other day. During that storm."

"Oh, you didn't! Really?" Leia is extremely involved now. "How was she?"

"She's great. Really great... God, this is going to sound absolutely insane," Ben mutters. Leia is watching him with wide eyes, waiting for him to continue. "I bumped into her at the grocery store, both of us were trying to grab stuff to make pasta," he laughs again. "Anyway, long story short, the storm picked up quickly and they needed to cash us out fast - so Rey just suggested we make the pasta together. We went back to my apartment, ate together and she couldn't leave so she ended up staying at my place."

"You're kidding," Han finally chimes in, intrigued by his son's story. "And?"

"And nothing. She stayed the night, we talked and now we're... friends."

Nobody says anything as they all continue to stare at him. "Friends?" Chewie says incredulously. "This should be interesting. Ben, if there's any advice I can give you is that a male and a female can't really stay friends after a breakup. Just saying." As he says this, Amilyn decides to debate him on this topic, saying that men and women can most _definitely_ remain civil post break up.

Ben doesn't chime in on the debate, instead leaning over to tell his parents, "Rey did want me to tell you guys that she misses you both."

Leia and Han glance at each other. "If this makes you happy, kid," Han tells him, supportively. "Just make sure you know what you're doing." Confused, Ben asks what he means by that. "I just meant that being friends is ... difficult with someone you used to love, right? So you'll have to possibly watch her fall in love with somebody else and you'll have to accept that... as her friend."

"We just don't want to watch you get hurt again," Leia adds on. 

"I'll be fine," Ben states with affirmation.

Leia looks at her son until he tears his eyes away from hers. "By the way, Luke is coming into town soon... It'll mean the world to him if you came over to see him. He really wants to see you."

Ben grimaces, turning to look at his parents once more. Luke and Ben didn't exactly end on the best of terms last time they saw each other. "I'll try to," Ben promises. However that isn't good enough and he can tell by the stern look on his mothers face, so he admits defeat, "Alright, just let me know when."

 

* * *

 

There's a throbbing pain on the left side of her cheek. It's been there for days and the pain is relentless. With all the research she's done online through WebMD, all symptoms point to her wisdom teeth being the cause. And instead of calling a dentist to set up an appointment to get them removed, like any normal adult would do (probably) - Rey ignores it. For the time being anyway. She can handle the pain. What she can't handle is the thought of somebody ripping apart her jaw and tugging teeth out of there. No, thank you.

Finn, Rose, and Poe have gone to great lengths to get Rey to set up her appointment. Finn even tried setting one up for her and asked her to come along with him to the 'store' under the guise of getting some shoes for work. But when Rey saw where he was actually heading, she immediately turned back around. "Clever, really," she told him sarcastically.

After that, they all gave up in tandem. She tried to keep her thoughts to herself about her pain considering any time she would bring it up around her friends, they would give her the most glaring looks ever. Touchy subject.

There isn't time for her to think about Ben because of how busy her schedule had been lately with work. Needless to say though, about that night, Finn had been super worried and was seconds away from making a phone call to file a missing person report. That was when Rey's phone finally charged up enough just for her to make a quick phone call. His response to all of that? "Wait, wait, wait," he cut her off incredulously, " _what?_ So let me get this straight, you stayed the night over at Ben's and you guys talked and ended up parting as _friends_... Okay, yeah, this is absolutely insane."

It's been almost two weeks since that night and she really didn't want to text him first. She could only assume that he was also waiting on her text. This whole 'friends' territory was so hard to navigate with him. Even being in a relationship with Ben was difficult at times.

" _I got to do things my own way darling, will you ever let me? Will you ever respect me? No_." While Rey was waiting on her coffee to be made at her favorite cafe, she was running through various work emails regarding child care cases on her phone, with an earbud in listening to her playlist. Just like every morning. In the middle of her responding quickly to an email of a case she'd been working on for months, the sound a text coming in rang through her right earbud and she saw the notification pop up at the top of her screen. Her eyes went wide as she saw who it was.

"Rey," the barista said to the group of people around the bar, placing a cup on the counter. "Have a great day," the barista, Robyn, told her with a smile. She pocketed her phone and grabbed the cup, giving Robyn her undivided attention and thanked her kindly. Adjusting her small, black backpack onto her shoulder, Rey exits the cafe and begins making her way towards work. For her, it was kinda far from home but she wouldn't work anywhere else.

When Rey received her bachelor's in human services, she immediately went out and sought out a job working for child protective services - something she'd been extremely passionate about considering her background. She wanted to help stop other children from suffering and tried her best to aid them as much as possible. Because she knew how it felt to feel alone. She knew how it felt to feel abandoned. And she doesn't want anyone to feel that way, especially at such a young age. Her heart breaks at the thought of it.

Getting on the subway, Rey is able to look at the text message from earlier. She taps on Ben's name as she pulls up the screen and she reads the text to herself.

  
She wonders how that'd even be possible but she thinks that maybe they could meet up somewhere in the middle. She debates this for a moment, typing out a response then deleting it, over and over again.  _Oh for the love of god, Rey, just send it already,_ her inner voice tells her. Getting frustrated with herself, she hits send on not only one but two texts. And almost instantly, she sees that he's responding to her.

 

 

* * *

   
  
It's lunch hour and Ben has already requested an additional 30 minutes just in case. He's agreed to meet Rey in the 'middle' but the location she picked isn't exactly the middle - he thinks it's a lot closer to her work. Which is fine, he's okay with it.

By the time he gets to the diner, she's already waiting for him. He gestures over to Rey to the hostess and she nods in response. Rey's back is facing him when he approaches the booth she's sitting at. "Hey, hey," he says to her and she turns around to face him. Ben sits down in the booth and unbuttons his suit jacket to avoid any creases. When he looks up at her, she's smiling at him warmly.

"So how's your day going?" she asks him, starting a conversation, just like anyone else would.

"Good, it's going by pretty quickly, thank god. How about yours?" he asks in response.

Nodding, she agrees. "I'm starving," she tells him, laughing. "I haven't eaten since yesterday." With that, they turn to their menus, discussing what food they think they'll get. By the time the waitress comes over to them to take down their order, they don't hesitate and order in under a minute.

"Are you together or separate checks?" the woman asks them.

"Together," Ben says immediately, then adds, "I get the check." Rey narrows her eyes at him as the waitress notes it down for herself, walking away. "What?" Ben laughs when he notices her glare. "It's fine."

"Unbelievable," she takes a sip from her drink, hissing when the cold hit her teeth in the back.

"What was that?" Ben asks, looking at her oddly, wondering what the hiss was for.

Deflecting, she rolls her eyes and gestures her hand to the ceiling. "Oh, it's nothing." He doesn't accept that. "Oh my god, fine. It's just a toothache. I've had it for a while now."

"A while?" he repeats, questioning how long it's really been.

"Maybe like two weeks or something like that."

"Jesus, Rey," Ben sounds annoyed. "You have to go see a dentist. Like immediately. It sounds terrible." When she stays quiet, he grins slightly. "I know you hate the dentist, but you really do need to go and get it checked out. Where exactly does it hurt?" 

"In the way back," she answers.

"It could be your wisdom teeth," he tells her as if she hasn't already looked it up several times. "That's what you think it is, isn't it?" In response to his question, she nods slowly. "You need to go."

"Ben," she whines, "I really don't want to. Finn already tried tricking me into going and my heart almost gave out." He lets out a laugh. "It isn't funny!"

"It actually is," he's covering his mouth with his hand, laughing behind it. "I got my wisdom teeth removed in high school," he tells her. "Mom was adamant. I basically had no say in the matter. Just, one day, she tells me to get out of bed and takes me to the dentist. It wasn't that bad, Rey, honestly." Groaning, she places her head on the cold surface in front of her, facing on the side where her teeth didn't hurt the most. "I'll even go with you," he tells her.

Springing up at that, Rey looks at him with a questionable look. "You're not serious?"

"Yes, I am. I can go with you if you need me to," he reiterates. While she's thinking it over, the waitress comes over and places their food in front of them on the table. Digging into her burger, she takes a bite and feels the pain again when she chews carefully.

Irritated, she puts her burger back down on her plate and looks at Ben. "Fine. I'll set up the appointment to get them removed." He grins down at his food. "As long as you go with me. So, clear your schedule. I'll text you the details."

He's okay with that.  


* * *

 

The day of Rey's wisdom teeth removal came super quick. Rey had taken a couple of days off work just for this reason alone and that annoyed the shit out of her. She could think of so many different things she could get accomplished instead of just sitting around and writhing in pain with tons of gauze in her mouth. 

It doesn't quite hit her that it's actually happening that day until she answers the front door of her apartment and she sees Ben standing there in a gray hoodie and jeans. She starts to shut the door on him and he laughs, stopping it before she could close it all the way. "Come on, Rey, let's go," he tells her, stepping into her apartment. He hasn't been inside her new place yet so she can tell he's taking in everything around him, looking at the way her places looks. It's messy as hell, but she doesn't care. 

"Look, Ben, I'm sorry you took the whole day off of work today for this but it's just not happening."

"Rey, don't be like this," he pleads with her. He places his hands on her shoulders and levels with her, bending slightly to look at her face to face. "You're going to be fine. You won't feel a thing."

"That is literally one of the biggest lies I've ever heard," she says to him with a blank expression. When he doesn't move, she exhales as she lets her head drop back to close her eyes. "Fine."

"Good," he says, letting his hands drop from her shoulders finally, letting her walk around him to pick up a floral, red scarf and place it around her neck. Rey adds on an older black bomber jacket, grabbing the keys out of her pocket.

Defeatedly, she turns to him again and says, "let's get this thing over with."

When they get to the dentist's office, Rey fills out some standard paperwork, asking Ben for advice on some of them. He sits beside her while they wait for her name to be called. Ben's looking up at the TV in the corner where they're playing daytime television - currently, Let's Make a Deal - at a lower volume. He's looking up at it intently, focusing on the game a couple was playing to win some money. Meanwhile, Rey's knee keeps moving rapidly up and down, as she fidgets, picking at her cuticles and taking deep breaths (which doesn't help at all, by the way).

She feels a warm hand drop onto her bouncing knee and she looks down at Ben's hand, which is holding it. Looking up towards his face, he's still focused at the TV. "It's okay," he says softly. Rey would like to think it helps but she's still nervous as all hell. "I'm here," Ben tells her, again softly. And, yeah, at that, her heart slows its pace a little. Not really sure if it was appropriate or not, Rey places her hand on top of his, if only to show her gratitude for him being there as support for her. She knows that any of her friends would have been able to go with her, no doubt, but the fact that Ben took this step with her to repair their broken relationship was truly meaningful for her. As friends, obviously.

The door opens up and a woman peeks around from the frame, looking at the five people in the waiting room. "Miss Johnson?" She squeezes Ben's hand. In return, he turns his hand around and tightens his fingers around hers. 

"I'll be right here," Ben tells her quietly. "You'll be fine. They do this every day." Rey nods her hand and untwines her hand from his, him giving her one last squeeze before standing up. He smiles at her as she walks towards the door.

They place a mask over her nose and before she knows it, she's out.  


* * *

   
  
It had been a little under an hour and Rey's procedure was finished. The nurse comes over to him and tells him that she'll definitely need help getting home since she was still only slightly under the local anesthesia. "But she's awake and was asking for you? I assume you're Ben Solo?" she asks him, wondering if she can disclose information to him.

He bites down on his lip. "Yes. Rey is my..." he trails off, briefly wondering what the best way to go about this would be. He ends up quickly deciding on - "She's my friend."

The nurse nods and looks confused for a moment. "Well, we can only disclose information with family members and spouses. However, she has listed you as her boyfriend, so... in agreement with Miss Johnson's wishes, we are able to discuss how everything went. If you would like, of course."

 _Boyfriend?_  Probably just an old habit or something she forgot to change. He brushes it off. "Yeah, yeah, definitely."

"Okay, follow me, please, Mr. Solo," she gestures to follow her behind the closed door. He follows her all the way to the room where Rey is inside, still laying down in the chair, kind of slumped over. Her eyes are open and when she sees Ben walking in behind the nurse, they light up. Her eyes were tired and still glossy from the anesthesia. He walks over to her side as the nurse begins talking to both of them. "Alright, Rey, everything went really well," she's talking to her in a gentle tone, "You do have gauze in your mouth so be careful. You will feel pain, and you'll experience some bleeding, which is completely normal. Swelling will go down over time, we recommend using ice packs carefully. Dr. Braun has prescribed you some pain medication. Take one with every meal or however you see fit. You'll need to avoid any solid food for a while but you'll know when it's okay to start eating regularly again. So - soup, juice, ice cream, obviously water, you'll be living off of for a couple of days. You'll want to brush your teeth gently in the beginning. Here's a little bit more information just kind of going more into depth on all of that. If you have any issues or have any questions, please call us."

The nurse hands Ben the pamphlet that reads, "Post Wisdom Teeth Removal." He takes it and places it in his back pocket for safe keeping. Rey is reaching out for Ben's hand and he sees it so he grabs her hand. The nurse smiles at them. "Whenever you're ready, you are free to go."

Ben thanks her and she walks out of the room. Turning to look down at Rey, she's staring at him. He resists the urge to laugh at her, mouth puffy with tons of gauze everywhere. She's still holding onto him and she looks at their hands. "You haf de largst hnds evr," she mumbles.

"What?" Ben says, then shakes his head, "Nevermind, Rey, just try to relax your mouth. Try not to talk too much, okay?" But she completely ignores him and says something else which he doesn't understand, focusing on his hand again. "Ready to go?" Ben asks and she nods, weakly pushing herself up out of the dentist's chair.

"Alright," he tells her, walking to the front of the chair, still holding her hand. "Let's get you up," he says, reaching for the other hand. Once he has both, he pulls her up carefully and she's standing upright. "Perfect, now let's grab your things and get on out of here." He tries to pull away from her but she won't let him, clenching onto his hands.

"No," she tells him stubbornly.

"Oh my god, Rey," he laughs. This entire situation is hilarious to him. "I just need to grab your things. I'm still here." With that, she lets him slip away for just a moment, hand steady on the chair beside her. Ben takes her scarf and her jacket, helping her get them back on. He's extra careful when he places the scarf around her neck to make sure he doesn't touch her jaw by accident. Rey's watching him like a hawk while he's zipping up her jacket and adjusting her scarf for her.

"Okay, let's go," he's going to the door and Rey shuffles behind him, grabbing onto his hand again. He doesn't even think twice about it at this point. She's anchoring herself to him.

Outside, he hails a taxi and tells the guy to drive to Rey's address. When they arrive at her apartment, he helps her get inside and once inside, she beelines to her room. Ben's right behind her as she begins to tug at her jacket and scarf haphazardly. His hands are on top of her in an instant and he helps to take them off. "Please be careful," he's telling her, as she's looking around for a change of clothing. "I have to go pick up your medication, I'll be right back."

"Wait," she stops him. Through mumbled words, he makes out her questioning if he really will come back.

"Yes, of course, I need to get these pain meds for you. I promise I'll be back in like less than 15 minutes. Try not to hurt yourself while I'm gone."

When he comes back, he finds her almost asleep watching TV in her living room, cuddled up in two large, fuzzy blankets with an ice pack up against her cheek. She's changed into an old, beat up shirt and her favorite pair of shorts. He places her keys and her medication the coffee table as he sits down beside her feet. She opens her eyes to look at him. "I brought your meds, some more gauze, and some soup. We should probably get that gauze out though."

Nodding, she pushes herself up from her resting position to sit up. He grabs the box of gauze and opens it up while Rey is taking her old ones out. "Let's see it," Ben tells her and she's bewildered that he wants to look at her crime scene of a mouth. Chuckling, he says, "I've seen worse. Let me take a look and see how they did."

She opens her mouth only as much as she can without it hurting her. He's super close now to her, looking at her gums and somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice is screaming at her to admit how weird this situation is. But she's so tired she doesn't care at all. "They did a great job, Rey, it's healing up pretty fast." She can't tell if he's lying to make her feel better or actually telling her the truth. Regardless, she's thrown off guard when he starts to pull out one more gauze she forgot and puts it inside the plastic bag to discard it with the rest of them.

Then - he's helping her with rinsing out her mouth a little with warm salt water. He helps her warm up the soup to help her eat a little bit. He helps her take the pain medication. He helps her take out the gauze and place new ones in there. He's there to help her with she feels nauseous after the medication sets in. He's helping her switch out her ice pack with another one every now and then. The anesthesia has worn off by now and all she feels is the absence of her teeth in her mouth and even though she's trying not to, she can't help it when her tongue keeps going back there to touch it. The pain medication does help, thankfully. However, she knows the main reason why it's not as hard as she thinks it would have been is because he's there for her. He's there's for all of it. 

When it's getting darker outside, Ben looks down at his watch and grimaces. "I've got to get going," he says out loud.

"No," Rey says, sleepily, from her spot on the couch. "You stay."

He smiles over at her, placing his hand on her leg and rubbing it slightly. "You'll be fine." He can't count how many times he had to tell her that today.

"Please don't go."

He ends up staying only a little while longer, waiting for her to fall asleep. While he's waiting, he gets the brilliant idea to have Finn come over to watch over her just for tonight. He reaches over and grabs her phone but gets stuck at the lock screen. Trying her birthday as the passcode fails, so he thinks a little longer and with wishful thinking, he tries his own birthday. It unlocks. Some things just never changed, it seems.

He texts Finn as himself and even if Finn found it crazy, nothing implied it in his response: " _I'll be right over._ "

When Ben thinks she's out cold and he picks her up from the couch and carries her gently down the hallway and over to her bed. While he's tucking her underneath her sheets, there's a knock at the front door and Ben rushes over there, unlocking it for Finn. "Thank you for coming over here," he tells him.

"Yeah, no problem. I'm so glad she finally got it over with. She was being a real pain about it," Finn jokes and Ben laughs quietly, trying not to make too much sound. She was always such a light sleeper. "Thanks for being there for her," Finn tells Ben earnestly.

Ben shrugs and doesn't make anything of it. "Anything to get her to get those wisdom teeth out."

Just then, Ben's name was being called from Rey's room down the hallway and Finn looks at him confused. "I thought she was asleep?"

Tired, Ben rolls his eyes, already walking back to her room, "she wakes up at literally anything." When he reaches her room, she turned over on the bed, facing the door, and she's hugging the pillow beside her. Finn is watching from the doorframe as Ben walks over to Rey and pushes back her hair from her face, taking extreme caution to move any away from where it was lying on top of her cheeks. "Rey," he says so quietly, Finn can barely hear it.

Watching on, Finn thinks he should probably let Ben have a little bit of privacy, seeing how tender Ben was being with her. It felt wrong to intrude on this. But he didn't care either, Finn needed to know what was going on between them. He's leaning a little more into the room from the doorframe and he's really focusing on Ben's deep voice to hear what he's saying to her.

"I have to go, Rey," he's whispering to her. "I have work in the morning." She reaches once again for his hand and Finn is absorbing all of this eagerly.

Sleepily she's responding to him, in a dream-like state. "You said you'd be there for me," Rey isn't whispering but she's talking through all the pain she feels in her mouth so it doesn't sound quite right. Ben understands her easily enough.

"I'll text you and I'll come back tomorrow if you want."

"Yes, tomorrow," she mumbles. "Tomorrow..." she repeats.

"Okay, I'll be back tomorrow before you know it," he talks to her like he would a child. He doubts she'll remember any of this conversation tomorrow morning. "I gotta go now. Go to sleep now. Finn's here to watch you."

She doesn't respond and Ben stands up from the kneeling position he got into to talk to Rey. By that point, Finn had already disappeared and made himself useful in her kitchen, putting away clean dishes. Ben's shutting her door slightly and stops when he hears her sigh. Looking over at her, she's still holding the pillow to her chest. He isn't prepared for what she says next - in the darkness of her room, he hears her mutter three familiar words. Three words he had taken for granted - especially coming from her.

"I love you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ [consideration](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlBhc9VnQBs) by rihanna (feat. sza) is referenced in this chapter.  
> \+ thanks again for reading! hopefully y'all ignore any mistakes lmao, i don't have anyone editing for me except for good ol' grammarly :) :) :)


	4. wanna taste your lips, without the bittersweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>   
> possible **trigger warning** ahead for mentions of implied child abuse: in the middle of the 4th page break  
> 

  
She doesn't remember any of it. Thank god.

When she woke up the next day after her surgery, she thinks momentarily that it was all just a ridiculous dream or even a crazy hallucination. That is until she feels the ache in her jaw and sees the package of gauze sitting on her bedside table that she's reminded - yes, all of that actually did happen. And she feels a little weird, not in a particularly bad way but more so in the fact that Ben Solo, her ex-boyfriend, of all people, had taken care of her the entire day.

If she's avoiding reaching out to Ben for the next couple of days after, she doesn't really think much of it. And it doesn't bother her in the slightest when he stopped texting back after he asked her how she was doing. Because, obviously, that's totally fine.

One person not entirely convinced is Finn. Even though he doesn't say anything outright to Rey, she's aware that he's itching to find out. Neither of them says anything to each other about it though.

So, like that, it's left alone.

 

* * *

 

Ben's pacing the floor of his apartment while he talks to his mother on the phone. "Is it really necessary?" he asks her, knowing what her answer would be either way to his question. There's no getting out of this. _Such a special occasion_ , he thinks sarcastically, _Uncle Luke showing up_.

"You promised," she reminds him and he scoffs, knowing he did no such thing. Rolling his eyes, thankful she can't see him, he exhales loudly enough so that she can hear his displeasure. "Great," she says happily, "I'll see you in an hour!" Then she hangs up before he can dispute it some more with her. Looking down at his phone, he stares at it for a second before unlocking it and going into his messages. There are a couple of messages at the very top from both his mom and dad, messages from work and as he scrolls a little bit more, he sees her name with the last message that came through a week ago. He never replied back to her after he'd checked up on her.

He tried to type out a response, maybe twenty times, and never sent any of them.

Thumb hovering over her name on his screen, he taps down on it and it opens up another screen. But before he can even start to text something, he locks the phone, letting the screen to go dark. Every single time.

An hour later, he finds himself standing in front of the door to his parent's house and he's absolutely dreading going inside. Pushing the door open, he walks inside and is immediately hit with a ton of noise - people talking left and right, music playing in the background. Leia's playlist no doubt. Unnoticed, he shuts the door behind him and walks over toward the kitchen where he thinks he might find his mother but she's not there. Instead, in her place, are the caterers she hired for tonight. They don't even bother to look up at him, extremely busy and focused on plating food.

Turning away from the kitchen, he walks over to the living room, where he finds everyone. There aren't that many people there but he recognizes a good amount of them. He doesn't see Leia but he finds his father among a circle of other men. Noticing his son walking towards him, Han steps away from the group and hugs Ben. "Hey kid, glad you could make it. Not that you had much of a choice though, am I right?" he simpers, sipping from his drink. Ben looks at him, clearly unimpressed by his joke. It doesn't make Han laugh any less, in fact, it makes it worse.

"Well, here I am. I can only assume that he's around here somewhere?" Not mentioning any names, but Han knows exactly who Ben is referring to.

Nodding, Han answers him. "Yes, he's outside, I believe, with Leia."

After letting that information sink in for about half a second, Ben nods once and then turns around to walk in the opposite direction of their patio. Ben hears Han calling after him but he ignores it and makes his way to one of the many bathrooms in their ridiculously large house. Making his way down a long hallway, he trails the walls with his fingers, reminiscing on the very little happy memories of his past. Before he was kicked out by his father and sent away to live with his uncle Luke. Shaking the past from his thoughts, he turns a corner where he sees a staircase leading upstairs. Grabbing onto the wooden railing, he pulls himself up, ascending quickly. On the second floor, he's met with a dead end of large photos displaying his family. He's seen them many times before so he doesn't really think anything of it. Making his way down towards the nearest bathroom, he passes pictures of his mother, father, Luke, his grandfather, grandmother - nothing new. He hates taking pictures, so he's aware of the fact that he's in only a couple of them.

But something catches his eye and he stops dead in his tracks.

There's a photo of _them_.

He wonders briefly how many times he's ignored this picture before. Turning to face it, he gets closer to inspect the photo.

She's got a brilliant smile gracing her features while he's standing beside her, looking apathetic as usual but if you looked closely enough you could see the corner of his lip was pulling upwards - the tiniest hint of a smile. This older version of him was holding her close to his tall frame, an arm wrapped around her waist, his other hand stuffed inside his pocket. But Ben's focus isn't on himself in the photo. Instead, he's looking at the way she's positively beaming up at him, having to lean back in his embrace to be able to look at him. Her hand is placed onto his chest, just above his heart.

Ben slowly moves his hand up to place it over his chest, just like she had it in the photo and he can almost _feel_ it again. He's lost in a trance, trying to remember that day but he's having such a difficult time placing the memory. So lost in his thoughts, he doesn't even hear Leia approach him in the hallway.

"I thought I had removed that from this wall," she tells him as softly as she could. When she's beside him, she looks at his hand placement and immediately understands. Her own heart breaks for her son. When he doesn't respond, she continues on to say, "I'll take it down."

"No," he lets his hand drop and he turns to look over at his mother. "It's okay. Leave it."

Leia watches on as her son meets her gaze then turns away from her once again. His eyes were the most expressive thing about him and she loved it. That was always his tell - ever since he was a boy, she could figure out whether or not he was lying to her just by looking at him. Reaching a timid hand up to her son's shoulder, she grabs onto it and rubs gently. "Ben. Look at me," she asks of him and he does. A moment passes between them and he understands. "It is a beautiful picture," she finally tells him, giving him a small smile. "It was such a lovely day too."

"You remember it?"

"Of course... You don't? It was a pretty big day for me, anyway, so I remember it like it was yesterday," she grins at him. "It was the first day I met Rey and you weren't exactly thrilled about being around us at the time but you did it because of her. She told me that she was practically begging you." He chuckles at that because it just sounds so right about them. "Well, either way, we met up at Central Park and you were in the worst mood ever," Leia rolls her eyes at that. "But I was so happy to see you after months of not hearing from you... and she was the one who brought you to me." He doesn't say anything at that so she continues with her story. "You were just so happy around her and it was... really a sight to see. I never thought I'd see you like that again after... well. You know."

"After you'd sent me away," he finishes for her, devoid of any kind of emotion - surprising himself even when he realizes that he doesn't harbor any more resentment towards his parents. Leia nods. "I know you did what you thought was best and I understand," he tells her, finally facing her completely. "I was a mess, obviously. Rehab just never worked for me. I can't even remember anything that day, I was probably so far gone then too, who knows," he admits out loud, more so to himself than his mother, but here he is, telling her anyway. He clears his throat. "I'm ready to see him again for what it's worth." Nodding at that, Leia informs him that he's downstairs. "Just need to use the bathroom first," Ben smiles at his mother and she chuckles, hugging his frame. He returns the embrace and they part ways.

Returning to the crowd downstairs, he's actively searching for Luke now, looking in between the familiar and unfamiliar faces. It doesn't take too long before he's looking at his uncle again and he's walking over to him. It's been years since they've seen each other so when they're finally standing in front of the other, Ben struggles to find the right words. It's Luke that helps him. "It has been quite some time, Ben," he tells him. "You look good."

"Thank you," Ben says earnestly. "Same goes for you. Looks like you haven't aged since." Earning a chuckle from his uncle, which was his intention, Luke looks at him with a glint in his eye now.

"Leia told me you quit on your own, that you're sober now," he says it like it's almost a question but he knows it to be true. When Ben nods in silent confirmation, Luke unexpectedly tugs him into a tight hug. Ben's eyes go wide and he's in total shock, his arms still at his sides. "I'm so proud of you, Ben," Luke whispers to him. At that, Ben relaxes and closes his eyes, letting his arms go freely to wrap around his uncle. He hears a gasp nearby and Ben looks over Luke's shoulder to see his parents together. Han places an arm around Leia, grinning over at Ben. Leia's holding a hand to her mouth, hiding her own smile, tears glistening in her eyes from absolute joy. 

It's been a while but his family was finally together again and he hasn't felt this complete in so long.

 

* * *

 

It was difficult to  _not_  think about him. About what he was doing, _how_ he's doing, how he's feeling... she can't stop her mind from wandering back to Ben. There have been several times where she's often wondered how unhealthy the whole thing was - for her to even want him back in her life even if it's just in the slightest way. They broke up, he moved on, she moved on. Or, well, she _thought_ she did. It's become more and more evident to her as of late that she's _still_ not completely over him.

In the wake of this somewhat newer realization for Rey, she decides on a whim to do something different. Changing up her hair seemed like a good start.

Finn is surprised the next day when he sees his best friend with her new look; what used to be a solid dark brunette color, now has an added honey-blonde color ombre with the cut falling just before it met her shoulders. "I love it!" he exclaims. "But, peanut, what brought this on?"

"What do you mean?" Her eyebrows knit together. "I can't get a hair cut and color for no reason?"

Finn backtracks. "No, no, no! I mean, of course, you can. And it's really lovely. It's just that... this is just ... somewhat unexpected? And I know you." He stumbles to find the right words to say to her, feeling as though he were walking on eggshells around her. She seemed a bit on edge. And he was right. He could tell something was off about her ever since she started talking with Ben again. Not that he would ever push her to say anything to him if she wasn't ready, but the waiting was beginning to drive him a little insane. "What's going on?" Finn tried again, softly.

Seated outside Starbucks, Rey sighs and shuts her eyes. When she met Finn up for a quick coffee break, this isn't what she'd expected. "Where do I start?" she quietly asks herself as she runs a hand through her hair. "Well," she opens up her eyes and sees Finn staring at her intently, taking a sip from his cup of coffee. "Jesus, there's really no right way to say this, is there?" She takes a deep breath and then - "I'm not so sure that I'm entirely over Ben."

Then she waits on a reaction from Finn but he gives none. He just continues to stare at her with an expression she can't quite understand. In return, she cocks her head to the side as if to say, 'well? Go on then.' At that, her best friend gives her a sad smile. "Oh Rey," a slight shake of his head, "I always knew."

"You're kidding," she deadpans. "How?"

Finn shrugs. "I don't know. There's just ... something between the two of you that's always been there. It's different, but nothing about the two of you has ever been traditional, I guess. In a sense, anyway." She tries to cut him off here to protest but he doesn't let her. "It's been forever with you guys, always. You met in college and only started dating after you graduated, what like a year after he did?" He doesn't stop for an answer. "Yeah, I mean... I guess I just figured you two would end up together so this isn't exactly surprising to me. It's like magnetic or something. Not sure how you even managed to stay away from each other for a whole year or however long it's been. I truly have no idea."

He wasn't being cruel and Rey understood that. So she nods as she takes all of his words in, letting everything sink in. "You're right. I must be an idiot to be now just realizing all of this."

"No! You are _not_ an idiot, Rey." Finn places a hand over hers on the table. "You're amazing. And you have the biggest heart of anyone I know! He broke you. I watched you heal and it broke _me._ " He's perplexed and she can tell by the look on his face. "Don't think for a minute that you didn't do the right thing by leaving him. You both needed that." Whatever he's about to say next, he wants to say carefully to her, judging by the look on his face. Clearing his throat, he removes his hand from hers and leans back in his chair. "I'm not the biggest fan of his... but I think deep down inside, you and I both know that he's the only one."

His words weigh heavily on her heart and she's hit with waves of emotions she can't place. Ben has always been the only one who really understood her on a deeper level, more so than anyone else could. He was the one who taught her so many different things - like how to create a resume, how to fold fitted bedsheets, how to do an alley-oop at the Y... He was her first for almost everything. And with Finn being the one who said it out loud, it becomes more relevant to her now that Ben possibly might be the only one for her. No, in fact, Rey _knows_ that Ben is the one for her. She can feel it, the same emotions she had for him once, just stronger than ever before.

"Finn, I don't think I know what to do with this, with him. I'm afraid. What if," she chokes, "what if he's already moved on from me and I've lost my chance?"

"I don't believe that he could ever move on from you, Rey." Regardless of that though, he continues - "I just want _you_ to be happy. You've had time to think things through, and now it's time that you put yourself first for once. Please." He asks of her. "Don't think about what I want, don't think about what he wants, or what anyone else wants - do what you want and what makes _you_ happy, Rey."

Agreeing to that, she feels tears well up in her eyes and she's blinking them away quickly. "Cheers to that," she holds up her coffee cup, as she laughs it out. "I love you so much," she tells him, affectionately.

He holds his own cup to hers, "I love you more, peanut."

 

* * *

  

The next time they speak is through text, after Ben texts Rey first. She's at work when she receives the text. A simple message wondering how she's doing. She can't lie to herself when her heart starts to race - she takes her time responding back to him. It's childish, she knows. But after a week or so of radio silence, she's only slightly petty and she doesn't care.

After a couple of minutes of pretending like she's doing something important on her computer, she grabs her phone and replies to him. "Get a grip," she silently tells herself when she's typing back a quick message:  _I'm good, thanks. At work. How are you?_

She's startled when her phone buzzes in her hand almost instantly, signaling another text message. It's him and he evidently doesn't care how long his response time is. 

**Oh shit sorry. Didn't figure you were at work. I'll let you get back to it then. Just wanted to see how you were doing.**

She's smiling down at her phone and begins to type back a message: ' _It's alright! I'm not that busy anyway. I'm about to leave for the day._ ' As she types that out, she holds her phone in her hands and wonders what she could say to leave it open-ended. She doesn't want the conversation to end that quickly.  _How is your day going?_  

 

> **Boring. Nothing interesting happening over here. I'm basically ready to leave.**
> 
> _Yeah, same here. Thank god it's Friday tho. :)_
> 
> **lol, yeah no kidding. This week has been hell.**
> 
> _Why's that? I haven't really kept up with the news or anything so I probably have no idea, sorry._
> 
> **No not that. I made amends with Luke and now I've had to go to pretty much every single dinner with my family. It's been a lot.**

  
  
She doesn't reply instantly this time, instead, she freezes, her thumbs hovering over the keyboard on the phone as she stares at his last text message with wide eyes. "What?" she asks out loud. "How?" She types back.

 

> _Um, what? Holy shit. Since when?_
> 
> **Yeah, last week lol. Crazy, right? I never thought the day would happen to be honest.**
> 
> _This is HUGE, Ben. Serliously._
> 
> _*Seriously_
> 
> _I'm so happy for you!_
> 
> **Thanks... Now I'm basically dragged along to everything. And I mean everything.**
> 
> _Ha! I bet. Leia always wanted you to come along to everything anyway. You just never did._

  
  
"Rey!" She swivels around in her chair to look at her boss, Samara, walking towards her. Locking her phone, she gives Samara her full attention. "Did you get that report on the Patterson family case I asked you about?"

"I did," she responds, reaching around her desk to get to her purse to pull out a USB which had the files needed on it. Handing it over to her boss, she smiles, "Everything's on here."

Samara takes the thin USB from her. "Thank you. If what they say is true... we'll need to act quickly and appropriately on this case." Rey acknowledges her with a nod and says nothing. "I'd love for you to be on this one if you wouldn't mind."

Rey doesn't mind. However, this particular case hits somewhat close to home for her. The Patterson siblings: a boy and girl - ages 10 and 8, were abandoned by their parents at an early age, leaving them with foster parents. The foster family which was assigned to them by the state have had multiple discrepancies in the past and had received complaints from anonymous resources recently. It was only when the children turned up with visible marks and bruises that the teachers at school had gotten involved. Upon hearing about this case, Rey had done extra work into getting more information about the foster home they were in and their history. Her research was extremely solid. If it were up to Rey, she would have them put away for life but she's praying that all her time and effort placed into what was now in her bosses hand would be enough to do just that.

"Of course," she tells her boss without hesitation. Satisfied, her boss walks away from her desk after telling her to enjoy her weekend.

Turning back to her phone, she sees two new messages from Ben. She opens them up to see what he said.

 

> **I know that I can't go back but if I could, I would have done it a lot differently now.**
> 
> **I would have always gone with you. Every time.**

  
  
Her heart starts to race again at the last message. She knows that it probably doesn't mean anything to him but to her, that sentence meant two different things. One, that he would have spent more time with his family, including Rey. And two, that she would always have been his first choice. Not his job, not the alcohol, not his friends. But her instead. Whichever way he meant it would remain a secret as she would never ask him to elaborate on it.

Rey packs up her things to leave for the weekend and while she's throwing her notebook into her bag, she stops for a moment, pushing away a stray piece of hair that escaped its spot in her hair tie. It was her phone again, buzzing on her desk; she hadn't put it away yet. It lit up with an unread text and she picks it back up to read the message. **Are you free this weekend?**

Biting her lip, she's debating something for a fleeting second and then starts quickly typing back a response. _Fuck it,_ she thinks.

 

* * *

 

It's a busy day at the aquarium, as most weekends go, but this one, in particular, was slammed. Mother's day weekend. Children were running amuck, pointing at all the sea life, some quietly, others not so quietly. Rey was standing just behind a couple of children pointing excitedly at a shark that just swam by. "Woah!" they exclaimed to each other as they proceeded to giggle at something and run away, following the giant shark as it swam over to the next section. Another group of kids look at a blue and yellow fish and one girl proudly exclaims, "Dory!" 

When they're gone, she notices that it suddenly gets a whole lot quieter in the tunnel they're standing in. Ben's right beside her, staring at a shark as it swam just above them. Glancing behind her, to make sure she isn't getting in anyone's way, she glides over to the glass to take a closer look at the coral reef. Ben notices and moves closer to her, stepping alongside her once again.

"Did you know," she hears Ben mutter on her left as she looks over to him. He's reading off a screen displaying numerous amounts of information on the sea life behind the glass. "A tiger shark is the world's most dangerous shark," he finishes, turning to her with a smirk. "After the great white."

"You don't say," she says ironically, pretending to be shocked. "Tell me more!"

"Okay," with a quick turn of the head, he reads off another interesting fact, verbatim, "Tiger sharks are being killed rapidly. They have low repopulation rates which have caused them to be considered an endangered species and may be extinct in the distant future."

"Christ, Ben, you didn't have to tell me that one," she pouts. "That's upsetting," Rey mutters out loud, looking up at one of the striped sharks as it swims by. "Poor lil' dudes."

"They'll be fine. It says distant, not near future," he says to her in a poor attempt to cheer her up. "Besides, there's always wildlife conservationists who won't let that happen... Anytime soon, anyway." Rey turns fully to face him now with a blank expression on her face. He laughs upon seeing her and gently reaches for her elbow to signal to move forward. She does.

They finish walking around the aquarium in record time - much faster than all the families who are dragging their feet along. By the time they're reaching the very end, Ben leans over and asks, "You ready to get out of here?" By him leaning in, she gets a whiff of the scent of him, that same cologne he's worn for years, and she has to physically, mentally and probably even spiritually restrain herself. Rey's response was an immediate and resounding, "Yes." 

They walk out onto the boardwalk and it's still midday so they definitely have time to waste. After all, she'd cleared her entire schedule to be with him. Not that he's aware of that fact - so when he asks if she'd like to walk along the beach and maybe hit up the pier, she pretends to look at her phone to double check something, fully knowing she's completely available. And yes, she's aware she's being completely ridiculous but for some reason, she can't help it.

It's nearing summer so it's definitely busy with the number of people out and about, notably since it was a holiday weekend. They pass by the amusement park attractions and rides and they're all up and running so Rey is distracted by some of them. She feels an arm wrap around her waist and she's being pulled closer to Ben's side as she realizes she's about to run into a group of people walking in the opposite direction. Ben's snickering at her as he eventually let's go once they're in a better spot. "My bad," she says sheepishly to him.

Before heading out onto the pier, Rey runs over to the hot dog stand and gets two hot dogs and a large drink, despite Ben's objections. They get their food and eat it standing up beside the railing, overlooking the water as it hits the sand. "I can't believe this hot dog is five whole dollars," Ben says incredulously, observing it with a grimace.

"I mean, is it really so hard to believe," she laughs. "It's always been like that."

He only shrugs, finishing his food and crumbling up the paper basket with his large hand. Then he holds his hand out to hers and for a second, she's confused with what he wants, but he's eyeing the bin nearby so it only makes sense. While he's throwing away their trash, she discreetly watches on. Today, Ben's wearing a plain gray t-shirt and black jeans with his favorite pair of beat up black Vans. Nothing out of the ordinary, very casual - very, Ben. Rey just hopes that he doesn't think _too_ much of her wearing a floral, champagne colored dress. It's nothing new but she never really wears it out - she keeps telling herself it's not to impress Ben but deep down inside, she kind of hopes to show him a little of what he might be, hopefully, missing. Plus, it's super comfortable, perfect for the warm weather and she loves it.

Not that she needs the validation or anything.

When he turns back around, he catches her eyeing him and she knows its too late to pretend otherwise, so she continues to look on. Reaching her side once more, he grins and asks, "Wanna walk to the end?" Agreeing to that, they make their way all the way to the edge until it's just a vast ocean they can view out to. A cool sea breeze runs through their hair and it just feels so nice just standing beside him. When she laughs unexpectedly at the thought of them being right here, right now after all they've been through, he's confused and amused at the same time, which makes her laugh even more. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," she shakes her head, looking out at the water. "It's just... I like to think about the first time that I saw you."

"In college? That economics class?" When she nods, he laughs with her. "You hated that class," he recalls.

"God, yeah, I did. So much," she clarifies. "I almost failed."

"No, you didn't," he says slowly, rolling his playful eyes at her, leaning against the railing with his hands clasped in front of him. "You literally passed with a B minus."

Rey ignores him. "Okay whatever, I'm still convinced that Mrs. Sanchez was in love with you. Fuckin' teacher's pet." At this he had a shout of laughter leave his body and he turns his head away from her completely, shaking his head in disbelief. "Either way," Rey adds on shyly, "you were, hands down, the most interesting thing about that class."

Ben turns back around to lock eyes with her. For just a second, he says nothing as he searches for something - within himself or in her eyes, she's not entirely sure what he's thinking, but Rey starts to feel as though she might have said the wrong thing. "Rey," he breathes out her name, like a whisper to himself but she heard it nonetheless. She can't help it but she feels breathless all of a sudden and it feels like her heart starts to beat rapidly and it's _so loud_ , she wonders if he can hear it too. Staring deeply into Ben's eyes, Rey waits for what feels like forever for him to speak again. Everything around them fades away.

But, unfortunately, it's a huge group of tourists that comes up right beside them, speaking loudly, when their spell is broken. It's so sudden and it almost hurts her when she thinks that something so pivotal would have been said by him but he's already closed up. Clearing his throat, he says, "I like to think of it too." He doesn't even give her a chance to reply to that when he shakes the watch on his wrist, glances at the time and then turns to ask her, "You want to walk back?"

"Sure," she agrees. Because she would follow him wherever he went at this point. To the ends of the Earth, if he asked her to do it. She wouldn't be strong enough to resist it any longer; she's in so deep with this man.

They ended up walking back to the boardwalk where he drops more money than he definitely thought he would just to show her that he's "definitely gotten a whole lot better at basketball" since the last time they played against each other. His skills were impressive enough that, he ends up winning a decent prize - earning her a medium sized stuffed husky on the three-point challenge. In return for his valiant efforts, she prizes him with a hug when he hands the husky to her.

They might look a little dumb to others passing by, but that doesn't stop them from continuing their hug a lot longer than was intended. And when he wraps his arms tighter around her, she lets him.

When the sun begins to set, he walks her home. Even with her protesting the entire way. It's only when they reach her apartment building when she finally stops arguing against it. Smiling at her and the husky he got her, he's standing perfectly still with his hands in his pockets. "Thanks for hanging out with me, I had a great time today." He nervously combs his fingers through his hair, "I really needed it."

"Yeah, no problem! It was really fun. I haven't been over there in ages. I should really go more often," she thinks out loud and beams at him. They're standing just outside her door when she grabs her keys out of her bag and unlocks it. "Well," she trails slowly, "thanks again for my prize. And for today. I guess I'll be seeing you around, then? I'll text you or you text me, whichever?" Everything ends up somehow becoming a question. He nods to all of it and she thinks they're going to part ways, so she turns to head inside when he stops her.

"Actually," he starts to say and she quickly turns back around, "Do you think you'd want to come with me to a family dinner tomorrow? They're doing the whole barbeque thing and it's just going to be a ton of food and I figured if you're not doing much, they'd definitely love to see you again-"

"Ben," she laughs out his name, cutting him off, "Just let me know when."

"Alright," he exhales contentedly. "I'll text you later then."

"Sounds good. Good night, Ben. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," he repeats, turning to walk away as she shuts the door, locking it behind her.

Right before she goes to sleep, exhausted from the day, she hears her phone buzz a couple of times back to back on her bedside table. Reaching for it blindly, she pulls it closer to her face, looking for the notifications. It's all from Ben. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ the [dress](https://www.lulus.com/products/overjoyed-champagne-satin-floral-print-maxi-dress/725952.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=725952&utm_campaign=PLA_gowns&pla=1&s_kwcid=AL%217824%213%21337857861739%21%21%21s%21650254478376%21&gclid=CjwKCAjwzPXlBRAjEiwAj_XTEcpbjFRwhq4Aqz4w8VAfS3RiIomlpYsErowoys-C0UWMn4qAL0_kHhoC6akQAvD_BwE) rey was wearing when i terribly described it, in case anyone needed a visual 😊  
> \+ this story only has one chapter left and i'm not sure whether it'll be extended to six chapters just yet. hoping to finish everything in one go, but if it gets too long, i'll probably add on a chapter, like an epilogue of sorts or something.  
> \+ re: the reunion with ben and luke - without going too much into it, i will be explaining the rehab situation in the next chapter.  
> \+ thanks for reading!!! ♡


	5. my baby got me sleep deprived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our love was stronger than your pride  
> Beyond your darkness, I'm your light  
> If you get deep, you touch my mind  
> Baptize your tears and dry your eyes  
> \- All Night, Beyonce
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • well, i didn't really know how to accurately rate this chapter and i didn't want anyone to be caught off guard so i'm just going to go ahead and bump up the rating for this chapter alone. just in case. and yeah, it's my first time writing out a scene like _that_ , just a solid heads up.  
> • also, there will be one more chapter because i couldn't wrap it all up in one. this chapter was a really long one to write up.

* * *

 

Benjamin Organa-Solo was never as perfect as everyone made him out to be. He had flaws, just like the rest of them. But there was one flaw in particular that he always tried to keep hidden, always denied.

 

When he was 15, he had his first beer and from then on, it just kind of _happened,_ spiraled out of his control. Ben was invited to almost everything, although he wasn't exactly the most 'popular' guy in high school, his name itself went a long way and got him places. Alcohol became a constant in his life at every party, whether in high school or college, he didn't seem fazed by any of it. Beer pong, shots, Irish car bombs, keggers in college, you name it - he's been there, done that. And because of how regular this became for him, as time went on, it just became normal for him. He didn't really see what the fuss was about.

 

His family made sure to comment on it every single chance they got - their complaining about it, made it even worse without them even realizing; it drove him to drink more. Out of pettiness, disdain, his parents weren't too sure, one thing they knew for a fact was that their son was addicted to drinking. And he was completely oblivious.

 

Han tried to get him to stop early on at the ripe age of 18 by pouring all the alcohol down the sink, toilet, bathtub - even taking back the car they gave him, the _Falcon_ (piece of shit that it was, but still), and went so far as to explicitly forbid him from going out while living under their roof. That definitely didn't help; he always found loopholes, constantly going behind their backs.

 

Ben turned 21 and got into a car accident and got arrested for a DUI. Leia rushed to the police station at 2 am that night. Being that he was Senator Organa's kid, the cops had let him off the hook (apart from having to do some community service hours), seeing as the accident was minor and nobody else got hurt in the incident. Everyone definitely looked at him in a different light ever since. He didn't give a shit at the time.

 

That's when Leia decided to step in, telling him he would be sent to Luke to "correct his behavior." Ben wasn't too fond of that idea; he was close to Luke but wasn't close enough that he wanted to have his own uncle 'cure' him of his apparent addiction.

 

He went anyway.

 

It didn't work.

 

Ben left after about a week in, maybe less, who knows - it was absolute torture. He couldn't stand it. He really tried to stay in the lines and listen to what they wanted him to do every day, but Luke was harsh on him and, in Ben's opinion, didn't know what he was doing. His methods were so outlandish, so unconventional that he decided it wasn't the right fit for him.

 

"You cannot leave!" Luke yelled after Ben as he was headed out the doors, "You need to stay. I promised your mother!"

 

Turning around, he responded bitterly, "You can't help me. What is it? Do you want to _save_ me? Is that what it is? There's no saving me."

 

"No, you're absolutely right. The only one who can do that is you."

 

"Oh great," Ben threw his arms up only to immediately drop them back to his sides. Aggravated, he marched over back to his uncle, stopping only a couple steps in front of him. "Please spare me of your infinite wisdom, Luke," he spat out, "you can tell Leia that it didn't work out and that I'm a hopeless cause. Let _that_ clear your conscious."

 

"No," was his reply. Standing still, he stared at his nephew with an unwavering expression on his face. "You'll ruin yourself. Come back inside and we'll-"

 

"Work on me? Fix me?" he shouted, cutting him off. "I'm _fine_!"

 

"You really don't realize it, do you?"

 

"Realize what?"

 

"You're an alcoholic, Ben... You just refuse to admit it to yourself. Why do you think you're here?"

 

"That's rich," Ben's face twisted in a hostile manner. "I'm sure you'd know too, huh? Whatever, Luke," he waved him off, turning to walk away from him. At that moment, Luke's reached out and gripped onto his bicep, holding him back. Slowly, Ben's head turned to peer down at his uncle's hand, then up to him again. Shaking his hand aggressively off of him and standing taller than ever before over his uncle, he menacingly told him, "go back inside before I do something I'll regret."

 

Luke refused to move and Ben's blood began to boil. Their personalities always clashed and while it never got to this point, ever, Luke was aware that it would happen one day. In the face of it now, he didn't back down to his hot-blooded nephew. Luke promised his sister he would do whatever it took to bring him back to her, to bring back that innocent boy she knew was still there. Somewhere.

 

But Ben says nothing more and leaves.

 

And Leia was _crushed_. "He's lost, Leia," he tells his sister the day after Ben leaves. "I couldn't do it." He held Leia as she cried silently into his shoulder. Standing in the corner of the room, Han crosses his arms, upset and disappointed in his son.

 

"He is indeed lost," came a gentle voice from Luke's side. Maz Kanata. A petite older woman with Asian descent, one of Luke's oldest friends who helped Luke fight the demons of his past. When he was dealing with his own issues with alcoholism, Maz was the one he ran into. She was the one who saved him. In return, he's always been grateful and in debt to her. With the opening of his rehabilitation center, Maz was the first one he went to for advice and she has been working alongside him ever since.

 

"Maybe you weren't what he needed," she said to Luke, "but there is still someone who could bring him back."

 

"What do you mean by that?" Leia asked her, raising her head to look up at Maz, hope still alive in her eyes.

 

"What I mean is," Maz placed a hand on Leia's shoulder in a nurturing way, "Ben will come back. Not with your help, or Luke's or Han's. But there will be someone who changes his mind. I've seen it." She's very vague and Leia knits her eyebrows together in wonder.

 

"I'm sorry, you've _seen_ it?" Han's skeptical. Luke quickly side eyes over at Han, silently telling him not to question her or anything about her.

 

"Yes," she tells them confidently, "I saw it in his eyes."

 

Later on, Luke offers an explanation to both Leia and Han that Maz is big into reading tarot and the metaphysical. And while Han's not entirely convinced, Leia is. She reaches out to her son endlessly but to no avail. Upon weeks of trying, she breaks at the thought that he's officially cut them out of his life. Possibly for good. Leia's inconsolable and Han's there to pick up the pieces. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

College was by far the best thing that ever happened to Ben.

 

He doesn't speak to his parents. Not even when he's applying to university, as many would like to believe he used his name to get him in - no, he does it all by himself; nothing was ever handed to him. There are no phone calls, no text messages, no updates on Ben's life. He doesn't think he wants to speak with them ever again. In fact, he truly believes it better this way - they don't have to worry about him anymore. He's proven that he can take care of himself.

 

Parties in college were everything everyone said they would be. And although nothing, in particular, was brand new to Ben, just the scale of the parties alone that he went to were so intense and so massive. It goes without being said that he enjoyed every moment of them. During his time in college, things changed for him; while he wasn't exactly popular in high school, he turned out to be a pretty big deal in college. With or without the last name, surprisingly enough. While he wasn't certain what exactly changed in the beginning, he did kind of piece it together why everyone was giving him a lot more attention now.

 

He was attractive. Ben had let his hair grow out, running past his ears, covering them; he had gotten much larger — he began lifting weights; he even started opening up more in conversations. The numbers flooded into his phone than ever before.

 

Following the first week, he was immediately introduced to Armie, Jessika, Poe, and Gwen (affectionately known as Phas to very few) - who ended up becoming his close group of friends throughout his entire college career. Armie decided two years in that he wanted to go by 'Hux' since everyone kept fucking up his name and Hux figured it was "way easier for the simple minded people." Gwen was intelligent as shit and was the only one in the group at first who actually owned a car — needless to say it was the nicest car ever too (who gives their child a brand new chrome Audi R8? Seriously?). Poe and Jessika dated for a while then broke up and Poe fell off the radar for a little while. The most annoying drama ever within the group; Ben hated that entire semester. When Poe made his triumphant return weeks later, he and Jessika made back up and with that, he brought a new addition to their group: Finn.

 

Rey was the last person to join the group.

 

Ben and Rey clicked from the moment they talked in class. But it wasn't until Finn introduced her to everyone when they shared knowing glances at each other. "Oh hey," Ben recalls saying in a rose-colored memory of her. Her— pushing back a strand of hair and squinting into the sunlight up at him. _Hey you,_  she teased back at him. And for the longest time, everyone thought they were a thing. Despite both of them constantly reminding their friends that they weren't together, they all refused to believe them.

 

But they were just friends. Remarkably close. 

 

Funnily enough, when the rumors of them dating died down was when something actually _did_ happen. It was Ben's graduating year and it happened at an 80's themed house party. Ben arrived late, as usual, with Hux and Gwen. Originally he didn't even want to show up to the party as he was supposed to be studying for an exam, but of course, his friends dragged him out. Quickly, he threw on a blazer with the brightest colored shirt he had in his wardrobe (a bright purple color, shoved all the way in the back of his closet) and left.

 

As soon as he walked into the house, he was in search of Rey without even realizing it. When he found her, she was bobbing her head to an 80's song and dancing in place beside Finn, Poe, and Jessika. Once close enough, she noticed him and her eyes lit up instantly as she managed to throw her arms around him. She'd been drinking and was already only slightly tipsy, but definitely still in control of herself. "What are you supposed to be?" she asked him curiously, squinting at his choice of outfit.

 

"Uh," he looked down at his makeshift outfit, grimaced and looked back up at her, shaking his hair out of his face, "Miami Vice, probably."

 

"Hmm," she crossed her arms, "Maybe with a white blazer and pants, but okay, I'll accept it."

 

"Oh, thank you," he teased back generously. "And you are..." he looked at her then from head to toe. She was dressed up in a pastel purple dress, hugging her frame and covering her for the most part, exposing her backside and dipping kind of low in front. Her legs were on full display and she confidently showed them off with a pair of black high heels, giving her a good amount of additional height. Her hair had a ton of volume and it was pulled back on one side with a cheetah printed scarf tied above her head, showing off her hoop earrings. And to top it all off, in true 80's fashion, she wore vividly colorful makeup.

 

"Whitney Houston?" she helps him out while he's focused on figuring out how many different shades of colors were resting on her eyelids, most likely giving her a blank stare unknowingly. " _I Wanna Dance With Somebody?_ "

 

"I can see that," he nodded slowly. "Cute," he admitted. Her face grew hot at that.

 

"Not so bad yourself," she complimented back watching as he just shrugged in response. He noticed a keg nearby and excused himself to get a drink all the while asking if anyone else needed any more beer. Once he's filled up two cups of beer, he notices a random guy with an iPod and walked over to him to ask if they can play a certain Whitney Houston song next.

 

Returning to his friends, he stands beside Rey just as the music cuts to the very song Rey was inspired by. While Ben reached over and behind Rey to hand Poe the drink he'd requested, Rey laughed out loud in shock. "You son of a bitch," she shook her head in amusement at him as he retracted his arm, just barely brushing her exposed back with the pads of his fingers. Sipping coyly, his eyes danced at her just above the rim of the cup.

 

"Rey!" Finn shouted over to her, over the music. She turned to look over at him and she sees him pointing up, acknowledging the song with a questioning look. "This is your song," he laughed. Jessika's moving fast and before she even knows it, Rey's being pulled over to another section of the house in front of them where everyone's sort of dancing. As Rey gets dragged away from Ben, she turns back to glare at him. To that, he smiled back and held his drink up to her to cheer her on.

 

While Ben was talking to the guys about a football game that happened last weekend and even though it doesn't really interest him, he was focused on the conversation at hand. Poe, as usual, gets extremely passionate when talking about sports, so he's extremely animated and he's so focused on what Poe was explaining to them that he barely registered the fact that someone was hooking onto his shoulder and beginning to pull him backward. A hand reached over his frame to take the drink in his hand, setting it aside on the nearest table. "Dance with me." He could recognize her voice anywhere. As he turned around to see Rey, he found her smiling and he's finding it more and more difficult to ever say no to her — nevertheless, he reluctantly walked over to the dancefloor with her.

 

At first, he stood there awkwardly and Rey teased him mercilessly about it. Helping him out, she grabbed a hold of his wrists and starts moving them wildly —  and he's not embarrassed because she's shaking with laughter at how ridiculous the whole thing is. Rey moved his arms up to twirl herself under them and he catches on, moving closer to her and places his hands on her back, pulling her into him. That doesn't catch her off guard, instead, she throws her head back to laugh some more and lets her body fall into his arms knowing fully well that he would support her weight. While he's hunched over to hold her up, her hands find their place on his arms and she's pulling herself up slowly, closing the space, even more, now inches away from his face.

 

His breath catches as he started thinking only on how beautiful she looked that night. Under the dark lighting of the room, she's peering up at him with a hazy, dreamy look in her eyes, and he thinks his brain is glitching — there's absolutely no way that Rey is actually looking at him like this. Like she wants him.

 

Ben steadily brings her back onto her feet, his hands lingering against her spine as he pulls back unhurriedly, testing the waters. She shudders and tries covering it up as a chill in the room but he knows. This is unfamiliar to both of them as they've never gotten this close before. In words left unsaid, they both seem to agree that it shouldn't happen like this, in front of everyone. Especially not in front of their friends.

 

He hears his name being called out behind him and he looks over his shoulder to see a girl from one of his classes walking in his direction. Nodding once, he acknowledges her and then feels Rey's hand brush against his own. "Meet me upstairs," she tells him in a low voice. And then she's gone.

 

A couple of minutes later, he's walking upstairs in an unknown house to find Rey, just as she requested of him. Passing down a dark hallway, he walked past an open door to an even darker room when he's being tugged and pulled inside, a door closing quickly behind him. In the dimness of the room, he can see it's Rey. "Hey," she said rather timidly now that's it's just the two of them.

 

"Hey."

 

When her eyes meet his Ben decided to throw caution to the wind as he closed the distance between them. Rey's hands were all over his chest, tugging him by his shirt down to her to press his lips against hers. She moaned into his mouth at the contact and he responded to her with an intensity he wasn't aware he was capable of.

 

Stepping away from the door, he moved them to the center of the room, closer to the faint light shining in through the small window, bringing his body lower to meet her height as they kiss. He opened his mouth and welcomed her tongue for a more passionate kiss. Large hands roamed her figure at every angle, memorizing the way she feels under them. She has to part for air and she's breathing it greedily into her lungs. Her hand traveled up gently to run through his hair and he hears her mutter, "I've always wanted to feel you." His eyes closed shut as he relished in her touch, nails scratching his scalp in their wake. 

 

Her hand caressed his cheek when it fell down from his hair and then went on to rest behind the nape of his neck. Rey tugged at his shirt with her other hand and she pulled them down onto the bed behind her. Falling on top of her, he was careful not to let too much of his weight lay heavily on her.

 

In that room of some strangers house with a party going on just outside the door of their sanctuary, their exploration of each other went on. His lips found hers countless times she accepted him with every single touch.

 

And it ended just as fast as it started at the sound of a loud knock on the door. Rey's heart hammered behind her chest and Ben was breathing deeply when they separated from each other. Rey immediately missed his warmth and his touch as he went over to answer whoever it was.

 

"Yes?" he asked, irritated.

 

"Can we use the room?" Rey heard a guy ask him in a bored tone from the hallway.

 

"Get lost," Ben laughed at the guy's audacity and closed the door in his face. When he turned back around to look at Rey she was sitting on top of the bed they were just on. She laughed.

 

Just by looking at her, Ben could tell that Rey had closed up as she sat perched up on the edge of the bed. He followed her lead and sat down right beside her, his knee bumping into hers. In the silence of the room, they just sat there and Rey gently leaned her head against his shoulder. Ben looked down at the top of her head then down to her hands she was fidgeting with. He could tell she was nervous - it was easy for him to pick up on that after knowing her for so long.

 

He put his large hand over both of hers as he pulled one of them away and entwined his fingers through hers. "It's okay," he murmured, hoping at that moment to calm her down; hoping that she wasn't regretting any of it. Because he sure didn't. 

 

At his words, she looked up at him and the look in her eyes sent him over the edge. There was _something_ in the way that she was looking at her at that moment where he knew, _he just knew,_  that he couldn't just leave her behind in this chapter of his life. He would carry her with him everywhere he went, no matter the circumstance.

 

Ben swallowed nervously and then licked his lips, glancing from her eyes down to her lips and back again. His free hand came up to her face as he laid it on her cheek, this time running the pad of his thumb over her bottom lip softly. He pulled it down and watched as it went right back into place then looked into her eyes only to find that she'd shut them. The distance between them closed once he leaned in and replaced his thumb with his lips, biting down on her lip with the slightest tug. Rey whimpered and he greedily placed his lips over hers entirely.

 

Her arms wrapped around him tightly and they held each other like that for a while. "Where does this leave us?" she asked him, timidly.

 

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Let's just… do… whatever feels right? I guess," he suggested, stumbling over his words, trying to find the right ones but failing miserably while rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand.

 

"Yeah...," she agreed slowly, nodding her head. "Okay."

 

 

* * *

 

 

The family dinner was … interesting to say the least. Ben welcomed her into his parent’s house when Rey knocked on the large door. Attending as a friend of Ben’s and not as his long-time girlfriend was definitely a different pill to swallow but she took it like a champ. It didn’t bother her in the slightest. Not even when Leia pulled her into the tightest hug ever and told her how much she missed having her around.

 

Not even when Han placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder and joked about some older memories, aging back to when they were together. While she laughed at the story she’d lived through, Rey didn’t miss the way Ben’s eyes searched her face. She shook her head and shrugged, brushing all of it off — it was alright.

 

Seated at a table with Leia and Han, it felt oddly intimate. Especially when Ben brought her another glass of wine, their fingers brushing at the exchange, the spark between them causing her to falter in her words of a story she was telling his parents.

 

After dinner, Rey excused herself to go to the bathroom and Ben stood up with her, grabbing her plate with his to take it to the kitchen. When she finished up in the bathroom, she walked over to the kitchen hoping to find him there. She did.

 

He was slouched over the sink, the water running as he washed the plates for his mother. The sight of him doing something so domestic warmed her so fervently. Walking up behind him to lean up against the counter beside him, she grabs the plate he finished cleaning up with the hot running water and he’s surprised to see her there.

 

Grabbing a dishcloth, she starts to dry the plates he set aside. “Thank you,” she says. “For letting me come to dinner.”

 

“You’re clearly always invited with or without me,” he chuckles as he pays attention to the wine glass he’s moved onto.

 

Watching him with a smile on her face, he hands her the glass he after he’s finished rinsing it down. She takes it from him, letting her hand brush his intentionally in the act. His eyes glance over and with a small smirk she looks away, focused only on drying the glass.

 

He bumps his hip into her as he goes back to washing the dishes and she bumps him back.

 

Outside, Leia watched on fondly with Han breaking her thoughts. “Leia, come over here and help me.” He grunts when she doesn’t move and decides to join her, his eyes following her line of sight, over into the window overlooking the kitchen.

 

“Look at them,” she sighs, wistfully.

 

Confused, Han looked at his wife. “What is it?”

 

“ _Look at_  them,” this time sighing heavily at her husband’s ignorance. “They’re still so hopelessly in love with each other.” She walked back to the table, wiping it down where Han left off. 

 

Upon seeing their happiness, their soft smiles meant only for each other, he simply nodded before turning away from the domesticated scene, suddenly feeling like an intruder. 

 

“They’ll figure it out,” he said to her. “We did,” he reminded her.

 

At that, Leia reached up with her hand, placing it on his cheek. “I know,” she smiled at him, eyes gleaming with a secret they shared. He kissed her with a smile of his own.

 

 

* * *

 

 

She couldn't stand it anymore. The loud, thumping, blaring noise from underneath her apartment was going to actually drive her insane. It had been two nights in a row that her downstairs neighbor had been blasting his _god awful music_  from their shitty sound system. Typically she wasn’t fazed by this kind of thing - she was never really one to complain to the landlord about someone over anything — Rey knew living in the city would come with its ups and downs; there was always going to be _something_ going on.

 

But this? This was something else entirely.

 

Rey had to go to work at five in the morning the day after what she assumed to be a huge party took place beneath her. She maybe had one solid hour of sleep, possibly. Or maybe just one hour of her resting her eyes anyway. Whatever sleep she got didn’t get her through work the following day — coffee did.

 

When it continued in the afternoon, carrying into evening hours the next day and kept going without stopping, she screamed into her throw pillow. In haste to vent her first-world problem to Finn or Rose or Poe (whoever she got to first), she immediately went into her text messages and just started typing away in all caps.

 

Without even double-checking any of the words, which she most likely mistyped with how viciously she tapped on her phone, she hit send and threw the phone to her side into the pillow on the other end of the couch and stood up to walk over to the kitchen.

 

Curling a leg up beneath her, she sank back down into her favorite spot on the couch, sipping on water and grabbing her phone in the process to see if Finn responded to her.

 

There was a new text message. But it wasn’t from Finn. It was from Ben.

 

Confused, she unlocked her phone to see what he wanted and almost spat out her water when she realized it was Ben who she had texted by accident. “Oh, fuck,” she murmured, re-reading her text message to herself, hoping it wasn’t that bad.

 

But it was. Which is why his response to her made tons of sense: **??? What are you talking about?**

 

When she tried to explain herself in several different attempts, she decided it was best for her to just call him instead. “Rey?”

 

“Yeah, hey, so - that was actually supposed to go to Finn and I must have accidentally sent it to you… somehow? Anyway, just ignore it, please. I’m venting.”

 

“Oh, okay. So, your downstairs neighbors are having a party?” he asked, concern evident in his tone.

 

“I mean-” she threw her hands up in the air as if to justify the sound coming from downstairs to him, “yeah, basically. Like I get it, you know? You pay rent but so do I? It’d be really fucking cool if you didn’t blare your music until three in the morning!” She heard him chuckle on the other end. “Sorry, sorry. I just-”

 

“No, it’s totally fine. I get it.”

 

She groaned and stood up to pace the floor of her apartment for a bit because she was suddenly really nervous talking to him on the phone and she really didn’t know what for. It wasn’t the first time they’d done this before. “Whatever, I guess. I’m just _exhausted_. I had like _maybe_ one hour of sleep before I went to work the other day and everyone was all, ‘Oh Rey, you look so tired!’ ‘Not so sunshine today?’ _Really_ …,” she mocked her co-workers vacantly, hoping her tone got the point across to Ben.

 

“Did you call the cops?”

 

“I’m not going to do that, Ben,” she sighed. “That’s not how things work.”

 

“Rey, that’s exactly how things work,” she could hear him rolling his eyes at her. Her lips tugged upwards into a small smile.

 

“It’s fine. I just hope they don’t do it again tonight. It's a Monday night and I just don’t wanna show up tired to work again tomorrow…” her sentence trailed off at the feeling of the floor shaking slightly underneath her feet. Rey bit back an annoyed growl. “I need to get the fuck out of this apartment and go somewhere.”

 

“Where do you wanna go?”

 

  
“Anywhere.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Even with all the cloud cover and the sun finally starting to set, it was still incredibly warm outside. He doesn’t know why he’d suggested going to Bryant Park to go see whatever movie was playing on the big screen outdoors but it seemed like the right thing to do - to get Rey out of her place and outside, far away from her noisy neighbors.

 

He guesses that’s what a regular knight in shining armor would do. And by no means does Ben think he was one, not even in the slightest, but he could at the very least try to be a saving grace for her like she’d always been for him.

 

When he sees her making her way toward him, weaving in between people, he has a brief moment of peace. Her smile alone grounded him. She was magnificent in every single way. Only Rey was the one who could make him feel like everything was right in the world; like everything fell into place and had a balance.

 

“So what’s the movie?” she asked, beaming at him, as soon as she approached him, dropping her bag and taking a spot on the blanket he’d brought for both of them. Only one. Because he didn’t really think that through. Besides, logically speaking, the amount of space on the field wasn’t exactly enough for two separate blankets. 

 

When one of her bare legs brushed his covered knee and her hair bounced around her shoulders with her plopping down beside him, he could really only think of one thing. She was beautiful. Still and forever to him.  

 

“Uhh, oh, I uh— I don’t know?” he stuttered, grimacing almost immediately as the words left him.

 

There was an older couple just next to them and she leaned over Ben trying to get their attention. “Excuse me, miss? Would you happen to know what movie they’re playing tonight?”

 

“ _Casablanca_ ,” the woman answered for her with a smile, to which Rey thanked her kindly with a smile of her own.

 

“You know, I’ve never seen this movie,” she whispered to him so that no one around her could hear, as if she was embarrassed to have not seen it.

 

“I haven’t either,” he admitted.

 

“Oh! I got free snacks. And drinks!” she exclaimed happily, digging into her bag. She pulled out two Cokes and two bags of popcorn. She handed him one of each and opened up her bag. “Courtesy of that Bank of America tent over there.”

 

Once it was dark enough, the screen started showing a cartoon, as it normally does and as soon as the Home Box Office promo started up, everyone began to slowly rise from their crouched positions. “Oh god,” Ben moaned out loud, realizing what they were all about to do, refusing to stand up with everyone else.

 

“Come on, Ben, it’s tradition,” Rey begged. He merely looked up at her from his position, cross-legged on the blanket. “Please,” she held her hand out to him and he shook his head, adamant on not doing, whatever it is that this was. “Oh, come on, you’re no fun!”

 

Shrugging, Ben only rolled his eyes at that. “I know, thank you,” he answered sarcastically, only slightly grinning to let her know he didn’t mind the remark.

 

“Oh, whatever,” she dismissed him playfully as she started dancing around, even hooking elbows with the younger girl beside her and skipping around in circles. He was enamored by her as he watched the joy erupt from her with every jump she made, her smile never once wavering. He never once took his eyes off of her, not even when she sat back down on the blanket, bumping her shoulder into his with a laugh, looking right back at him.

 

The black and white movie starts and it’s quiet, save for the sound of the cars humming and occasionally honking their horns as they make their way up and down on the streets surrounding the park. Ben ends up leaning back on his elbows not too long after the movie starts, finding it difficult to sit for much longer. It isn’t too long after that when Rey decides to do the same thing.

 

When she’s leaning back, she bumps into him by accident or maybe on purpose, he can’t really tell, but he doesn’t mind it when she’s placed her head onto his shoulder, all the while entranced by the movie.

 

Her fingers brush his so faintly during the movie when Rey reaches in between them for the Coke she’d opened up and found his hand instead. Ben looks down at the top of her head and she doesn’t seem fazed by it, taking a sip from her drink and placing it back down.

 

Throughout the movie, they shift several times trying to find a more comfortable position but by the end of the movie, they find themselves laying down on their backs, Rey’s head and hand on top of his chest.

 

During one particular scene, there’s a small sound of Rey’s sniffling as she tries to cover up her tears by quickly wiping them away before they can reach Ben’s shirt. As the scene plays out, Ben absentmindedly places his hand over the crown of her head and brushes her hair slowly; an extremely familiar impulse for him. 

 

“ _Richard, I tried to stay away. I thought I would never see you again… that you were out of my life. The day you left Paris, if you knew what I went through, if you knew how much I loved you, how much I still love you…_ ”

 

Rey buries her head into his stomach only a little and she picks up her head to look back at him. For a moment, he doesn’t move as he continues to look up at the cloudy night sky. His hand continues to hover while he waits for her to adjust back but when he doesn’t feel her leaning back down on his chest, he cranes his head up to look down at her.

 

He finds her pensive stare and he drops his hand down to his side, brushing it down her back in the process. “What is it?” he whispers. “You ready to go?”

 

She misses a beat then - “yeah,” she agrees, “let’s go.”

 

They pick themselves and their things off the ground and start to weave around the people still on the ground. They make their way toward the nearest subway entrance just around the corner. Rey walks closely beside him, her hand brushing his with every step.

 

Throwing all caution to the wind, Ben grabs her hand the next time he feels her hand and twines their fingers together. His heart skips as she blushes at the ground, keeping her hand in his entire time. Not even when they pass through the turnstile.

 

They’re able to sit down next to each other and as soon as the doors close and the train starts to pick up speed, Ben looks down at their entwined hands. “Do you… maybe want to stay with me tonight?” His nervous energy is him running his thumb over hers over and over again and Rey can tell. “I mean - I guess, I just figured if you’re having issues with your neighbors and mine haven’t been that loud before, you could definitely sleep at my place tonight to get some rest before work…”

 

“Yeah, definitely.” Ben finally looks up, his boyish face such a sight for sore eyes. She’s already smiling at him with affection. “Thank you. I just need to get some things first.”

 

They head to her place first and upon hearing the sounds still going on from downstairs, Ben can completely understand her frustration - it’s incredibly loud. When she places a packed backpack into his open arms, he automatically swings it around his shoulder and waits on her. “Rey, you should really either talk to the landlord about this or call the cops. That’s insane,” he points at the floor.

 

“God, I know,” she says, eyeing the place for last minute things she might need. Upon finding nothing else she needed, she turns to him and shuts off the lights, grabbing her keys. “Perfect, let’s go.” When he doesn’t move, she sighs. “Okay, fine. Fine! I’ll do something about it tomorrow. Now can we please go? I don’t wanna be here anymore.”

 

He lets her go in front of him and they make their way downstairs. Ben eyes the neighbors' door as they pass it and Rey has to grab onto his hand to keep him walking with her, feeling nervous that he would confront them about it. Because he totally would.

 

As soon as they arrive at his place, Ben turns on the lights to the place and places her backpack that he’d carried the entire way over on the couch. “So, you already know the place…” he starts off by saying, his arms gesturing around, “I’ll take the couch and you can have the bed, like last time.”

 

“No, I can take the couch!” she immediately argues. Of course, he doesn’t acknowledge that and just ignores her, grabbing a glass from his kitchen cabinet to fill it up with water. “Seriously, Ben,” she pleads.

 

“Water?” Holding out his own cup to her as a deterrent from the issue at hand. Annoyed she grabs it and takes a swig. In the silence, Rey feels instantly more at home. It’s nice and peaceful.

 

“Do you mind if I take a quick shower?” she asks him to which he immediately shakes his head. She finds the bathroom on her own and while she showers, Ben is making sure his bedroom isn’t too much of a mess and that the bed is made for her.

 

In the middle of him making up the bed, Rey walks in with her backpack in just a short, black towel. “Oh, I can change in the bathroom. Sorry.”

 

“No, it’s fine. I was just making sure…” he trailed off, looking down at her. He remembers her _so well_ if only in his memory but this was something different. It was unlike any other time before and… _holy shit_ , it was agony seeing her in this way when he hadn’t in so long. He swallows and clenches his jaw at the thought of her and him in the past, laying tangled up together in the bed they used to share.

 

Her voice carries softly to him as she calls him by his name. He finds that looking at the floor and refusing to move is the best way to go about this situation, especially when his heart is beating so rapidly and he feels like he can’t breathe. “Ben,” she says again, this time louder. Her hand tips his chin up so that she can look into his eyes. She’d dropped her backpack by the door, the other hand holding up her towel to her frame.

 

She doesn’t say anything but she’s leaning into him instead, creeping up on her tiptoes. Ben stands completely still and firm watching as she gets closer and closer until she’s only inches away from his face. “Rey,” he begs her softly, swallowing deeply.

 

When he feels her lips, like rose petals, fluttering above his own, his head spins. Not wanting to offend her in any way, he stands perfectly still in his spot - he doesn’t want to do anything that would mess this moment up in any way.

 

But she’s just as nervous and hesitant as he is and he feels it. At Ben’s rigidness, she begins to pull away in humiliation but before she can he’s moving quickly, wrapping her back into his arms, keeping her steady where she was - up against him.

 

“Please,” he pleads with her, pressing his forehead against her own, “tell me - is this what you want? From me?” Both of their eyes squeezed shut as they feel one another - his hands dragging across her back in such an achingly slow pace, it runs a chill up and down her spine.

 

Rey leans back in his embrace to look up finding him staring back at her. “I want you. All of you. Again and again. Until I can’t have you anymore. You’ve always been the only one for me.”

 

A moment passes between the two of them as her words weigh on him.

 

Then he’s crashing into her and he doesn’t stop. Nor does she let him. They quickly get carried away with all the emotions they’ve pent up and never let see the light of day.

 

Ben picks her up by her waist as her legs wrapped around his long torso, grabbing at his hair for purchase. Her towel goes forgotten as she lets it fall in between their chests. She’s not ashamed of this, of them, of him.

 

He places her on top of his bed and stops. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

 

“Probably just as much as I did,” she quips though her smile fades slightly when she looks at his somber expression.

 

He reaches a hand to touch her face gently, covering the side of her face easily with the size of his palm. Rey leans into his hand and closes her eyes as she places a lingering kiss on the inside of his palm. Ben swallows and stands up straight, forcing her to follow him, sitting up on the bed, grabbing at the towel that fell in her lap. 

 

“I love you.” It’s so sudden and while the words don’t surprise her, what does surprise her is the fierceness behind his voice when he tells her. “More than I thought I could.”

 

“Ben-”

 

“You have no idea just how badly I wanted to apologize, to let you know how  _sorry_ I was for treating you the way I had before. For being a complete asshole to you. You deserved so much better than me.”

 

Rey smiles. “Ben,” her hand cups his cheek gently, “I love you. It’s okay. Promise.” She pulls him into her with a kiss and then he’s crawling on top of her again. His kisses are so soft and she relishes in the taste of him. When his tongue slips through between her parted lips, she welcomes him.

 

His hands roam, memorizing every inch of her, every dip of her body. She lets him as she’s pulling back his dark locks and kissing his neck, aiming for a spot she knew he was weak for. At the sound of his muffled moan, she bits down and reaches down between them to grab the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head.

 

He lets her touch his chest, his abdomen; he lets her trace the moles as she places her lips over a couple of them here and there. When she trails up slowly, mouthing at his shoulder, he shivers and she grins devilishly. Rey continues slyly and slowly in the most sinful manner she possibly could until he can’t take it anymore.

 

His lips find her own once more and he kisses her with hunger.

 

She unbuckles his pants before he even can register it and she’s tugging down at his jeans. Quietly laughing at her exhausted attempts, he gets up quickly to take them off and jumps back in. “This feels like the first time,” she mutters in between kisses.

 

“Does it?” he asks genuinely curious.

 

Nodding her head, she giggles. “Yeah, doesn’t it feel like it?”

 

“You mean at the lake house?”

 

“Was there any other ‘first time’ Ben?”

 

This time he laughs at her cheekiness and rests his forehead on top of hers. “I remember.” He kisses the tip of her nose. “That was a good day.”

 

“So was today,” she tells him.

 

“It’s not over yet,” he says before silencing their conversation once more with yet another kiss.

 

When Ben pulls her underwear down slowly, teasing her with every tortuously long second, he’s leaving a hot trail of kisses down her thighs that make her curse under her breath. As they come off, he finds a familiar place between her legs and it makes Rey’s toes curl. One of Rey’s hands come up above her to grip at the duvet underneath her while the other tugs on his hair.

 

She moans his name over and over again. When one of her hands come down to her leg, attempting to find the duvet to hold onto, instead she finds his hand. He twines their fingers together while he tastes her down there and drives her all the way to completion. It takes her a couple of seconds before the light bursting behind her eyelids and the ringing in her ears finally subsides. 

 

“God, Ben,” she sighs into his mouth when he comes back up to her. Her eyes were clouded in a daze from the high she just came down from but she’s already wanting more as she wraps her legs around him, straddling him.

 

His large hands find their familiar place on her hips as she teases him while faking a riding motion above him. Returning the exact same favor to him, Rey does a play-by-play, almost mocking him as she removes his boxer-briefs. He grunts into his pillow as he covers his face with it when she takes him into her mouth.

 

Going up and down on him wasn’t exactly easy for her as she’s reminded with the size of him. The tears come on their own accord and her gag reflex can only allow so much. But she wants to do it for him. When she feels his hand on the back of her head and she can hear his labored breathing, moaning how good it feels and saying her name over and over again like a prayer - it’s all it takes to keep going.

 

He grips onto her hair tightly and he comes undone. “Rey.” She takes all of it.

 

Crawling back on top to sit directly over him, she gives him a moment to come back to his senses, just like had done for her. They share another tender kiss both of them exhausted but neither willing to stop. Not yet.

 

“Rey, you have to… get up… early… for work tomorrow,” he tells her in between kisses.

 

Shaking her head, “I don’t care.”

 

“The whole point of this in the first place was so that you could get some sleep,” he laughs breathlessly.

 

“I don’t care,” she groans into his mouth. “Now shut up,” she chastises him. He shakes his head at her but when he feels her rubbing herself on top of him, he goes silent.

 

She’s teasing him, rubbing herself up and down slowly against him. The way his large hands grip her waist just allows the heat to grow wildly in her stomach. And the fact that it was almost one in the morning and she had to wake up in only six hours doesn’t sway her from any of this. Neither does the errant thought that she probably could have gotten more sleep back at her place and how much she’d probably regret it in a couple of hours.

 

It doesn’t matter. Not when she looks down at him, powerless underneath her, letting her do anything and everything to him. And no, there’s no way she’s going to regret any of this when the sun begins its wake over the horizon. 

 

When she moves against him once more, she adjusts herself where her folds catch him and tug him up slightly into her, resting just at her entrance. Taking him into her hand, she sits down further on top of him and she can feel the width of him pushing at her walls. It’s been so long for her and yeah — it definitely _feels_ like the first time.

 

“Holy shit, fuck,” Ben chokes out. “You are _so_ tight,” he moans, his head falling back into his pillow as he squeezes his eyes shut.

 

“Mmm,” she can’t really say anything in return. She’s too busy concentrating on how to adjust herself to the size of him.

 

Pushing herself further and further down until she’s finally resting on his lap, him fully sheathed inside of her. She finds a more comfortable position while straddling him and places her hands on his chest as she begins to move. Rocking back and forth until she can find a natural rhythm with him. And it feels so, so good.

 

“Oh, fuck, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you. _Ben_ ,” she cries up at the ceiling of his room, her words causing him to thrust even deeper into her. Her breath catches every time he hits her wall.

 

Ever so perceptive, he notes her tiredness as she rides on top of him and he wraps an arm behind her back, effectively switching positions with her. While she’s on her back, he places soft kisses on her neck and she’s there. “Ben, I’m gonna-” she tells him in quick breaths.

 

“Let go,” he tells her in between thrusts. “For me.” With a couple more, she’s there and she falls apart at the seams. She cries out his name in wonder and grabs onto his back, her nails digging deep. Her walls clench around him and he can’t hold for much longer. Thankful she’s already came, he follows right behind her.

 

Rey's grip falters as her body enters a relaxed state but she continues to hold onto Ben when he falls on top of her. He places kisses all over the side of her face and she brushes back the damp strands of hair on top of his forehead. “Wow.”

 

He chuckles. “Yeah.”

 

“That was better than the first time,” she whispers in admittance. 

 

He smiles, feeling good about himself, and shifts to lay beside her, his arm going behind the pillow she rested her head on. Getting under the covers, Ben ignores all the lights in the hallway still lit up and knows he has to get them before he falls asleep but he’s finding it entirely too comfortable to move even an inch.

 

“Every time with you feels like the first time.”

 

“Okay, Romeo, calm down,” she giggles and shoves at his chest, rolling her eyes away from the corny smile on his glowing face. 

 

“What? I thought it was a good line,” he jokes, tugging her into his side and kissing the top of her head.

 

“Mhm, you’re a real charmer, Ben Solo,” she mutters as she shuts her eyes with a smile on her face. Her breathing begins to even out fast and before he knows it, she’s fallen asleep in his embrace.

 

After she’s fallen asleep, Ben gently gets out of the bed trying not to disturb her too much. He gets up, turns off all the lights, double checks the lock on the door and then he’s crawling back into the bed with her. He sets an alarm on his phone for the morning to get her to work and then he falls asleep beside Rey, breathing in the scent of her.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • thanks so much for reading despite the long wait and (most likely) the grammar, spelling errors! ♡


	6. true love breathes salvation back into me / the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
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> this one's a long chapter. i truly didn't mean for it to be this long...  
> but it just poured out of me and i wanted _a lot_ for these two. hope y'all don't mind! :)
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> 

 

* * *

  

**Part I**

 

* * *

 

**TWO YEARS LATER**

 

“Shit, Ben!”

 

“ _Fuck_! Rey,” he said back to her in the same agitated tone. With his hands thrown up in slight annoyance, he says, “It’s not my fault the dog doesn’t know how to walk a straight line.”

 

“Please have some respect, _the dog_ has a name and his name is Beebee. Be nice, Ben,” Poe chided from behind the pair of them. Finn and Rose were getting a kick out of the whole situation, laughing quietly to themselves.

 

As cute as the adopted Shiba Inu mix was, Beebee didn’t know how to do anything on command – sitting, laying down, staying in place, nothing. Walking a straight line wasn’t Beebee’s style either, it seems. He preferred to go from side to side, sniffing both sides of the grass. And, momentarily, Ben was handed the leash to hang onto while Poe refilled his water bottle at the fountain.

 

While Beebee took to Rey instantly, he was very skeptical of Ben from the get-go. So when Beebee noticed his leash being passed over to Ben, he decided to take him for a wild ride. Having zero control over the Shiba, Rey laughed at first but when Ben kept bumping into her over and over again, it got old, really fast.

 

It was an incredibly bright and sunny day in Upper Manhattan, not a single cloud in the sky. The two of them were walking with their friends in Central Park. “Please, for the love of God,” Ben mutters the moment Poe walked back to their group, shoving the leash back into his friends' hands, not being able to withstand another minute. Beebee only gives him something that resembles a satisfied smirk.

 

Ben slides his hand into Rey’s hand, his fingers wrapping around hers as they walk behind the group. “But I thought you wanted a dog,” Rey smirks playfully up at him.

 

“I do. Just not _that_ one,” he argues, not even looking down at her, instead of glaring at the dog now– who decided he could walk a much straighter line now with its owner.

 

As they walk a little further into the maze of Central Park, getting lost in all its greenery and wonder, they find themselves by a large stretch of people lounging on blankets, reading books sunbathing, talking with friends… doing exactly the same thing that they came there to do.

 

Rey drops onto the blanket Ben was already sitting on top of, effectively knocking the wind out of his lungs as she falls into him. Shaking his head as she laughs out loud, he wraps his arms around her midsection, holding her tightly to him.

 

“Oh, there she is– Kay!” Poe tells them excitedly as he waves over to a petite, sunkissed, dirty-blonde haired woman. Once she gets near enough, Poe wraps an arm around her, giving her a peck on her cheek. “Guys, this is my girlfriend, Kay. She just moved to the city a couple of months ago from California.”

 

At the mention of California, Rose perks up and leans over to Kaydel to ask her where she lived before, mentioning also how her sister Paige lived in the Bay area. Behind her, Finn removed his shirt and laid down on his towel as he put his arms behind his head. “Hard week?” Rey teased him. 

 

Finn pushed his sunglasses up if only just to peak at her then closed his eyes and put them back in place as he nodded. “Wake me up if I fall asleep, peanut,” he sighs happily.

 

“Noted,” Rey agrees as she turns back to Ben. He had his phone pulled out in front of her and was looking up pictures of dogs up for adoption at the local pound. As soon as he notices her looking at him from her spot in his arms, he puts his phone down. He leans over her shoulder to kiss her once. Then twice. Then —

 

“Get a room, you two,” Poe jests. Pulling away from her, Ben breathes in deeply and shakes his hair out of his eyes when he leans back. “That’s Rey and Ben. They’ve been together forever,” Poe says quietly to Kaydel, effectively explaining them.

 

“Nice to meet you!” Rey says, reaching out and over to shake her hand with a giant smile on her face. Kaydel mirrors her and they both look over at Ben, who in turn shakes her hand as well. “So, where do you work?” Rey asks her nicely, starting up a conversation with the blonde.

 

“I work as an assistant to the editor-in-chief at Vogue right now,” she admits and Rey’s eyes go wide. Rose, who was saying something to Finn about needing toilet paper on their way back home, stopped mid-sentence and gaped at Kaydel.

 

“Excuse me… Vogue? Holy shit!” Rose exclaims. “How—?”

 

“Anna Wintour?” Rey added incredulously. Kaydel just nods her head with a small smile on her face. 

 

“How is it? Is it just like _Devil Wears Prada_ or is she like the nicest person ever? I have so many questions,” Rose rambles.

 

“It’s honestly just like any other job but no two days are ever the same. It’s really fast-paced and yeah, I mean it’s pretty wild. I got the offer back home and I couldn’t pass it up. Moved out here as quick as I could.”

 

“Yeah, no kidding, I would too,” Rey says; Rose nodding along with her. Both of them get sucked into all the things Kaydel tells them she does on a daily basis but when she shares more stories, some including those of Miss Wintour herself, they both just spare a glance at each other - almost in disbelief.

 

“Ladies, if you don’t mind, I’d like to hang out with my girlfriend,” Poe smiles at them as he extends a hand down to her. She accepts it and she gracefully picks herself up off the ground.

 

As they walk away together, Rey and Rose are watching them like hawks from their seated positions extremely close to one another. “What the _fuck_!” Rose says out loud. “I wanna see her resume. I just need to know what’s on that thing.”

 

“Pretty impressive,” Rey shrugged a shoulder, “she seems like a great fit for Poe. Super outgoing and absolutely gorgeous, I mean, wow.”

 

“Hey Rose,” Finn whines, “can you please put this sunscreen on my back.” Rose gets up from her spot to go help her boyfriend.

 

“Hudson.” Rey turns at the sound of Ben’s voice. He holds his phone up for her to look at and she takes it in her hands. There’s a picture of a black and white lab-pointer mix and he’s looking at the camera with a smile on his cute face, tongue hanging out the side as he holds onto a tennis ball. Looking over the description, Rey’s eyebrows squeezed together. 

 

“Ben, he’s nearly 7 years old.”

 

“I know.” When she looks at him, he’s giving her a pleading look with his eyes and it’s hard to say anything in return. “Rey, he’s been at the Brooklyn Animal Care Center for forever. We have to save him.”

 

Her stomach is in knots at the sound of that and she gnaws on her bottom lip. “He does look really cute,” she says, her heartbreaking at the thought of nobody wanting him as he waits his turn patiently.

 

“It says he’s very social, loves to sleep and is … really great with kids, too,” Ben adds quietly as he takes the phone from her hands.

 

Rey’s thoughts come to a complete stop. It sounded to her like he was implying– no. Could he really be implying having children with her? They had just finally moved back in together in a pretty spacious three-bedroom townhouse of their own, deciding to find one they both liked where it suited them best. It ended up being over the bridge, just on the outskirts of Brooklyn Heights, still not too far from their jobs. It was a pricey area but with both of their timely salary increases (and Ben’s large promotion), it ended up working out for them. They were comfortable.

 

“Well that’s good,” Rey finally says after Ben’s little fun fact about Hudson. “That’ll come in handy,” Rey says to him with confidence, looking at him for his reaction. She didn’t have to wait long before his face broke out in a huge smile. Seeing his face light up spectacularly made the spinning in her head stop.

 

“Yeah?” he asks her timidly. She kisses him with a nod. He kisses her back with fervor, placing a hand on the back of her head, pulling her deeper into him. When they part, it’s for air and to share a gentle laugh with each other. “Can we get him today?”

 

“Today?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“We probably need to go through a ton of paperwork and–” she starts saying but then trails off as she thinks about it some more, thinking back on Hudson sitting in his lonely, dark cage. “Okay, we’ll go today. When do they close?”

 

Rey and Ben look up every detail they can to ensure they are able to pick up Hudson that same day. When Rey makes a phone call to the Brooklyn Animal Care Center, Ben sits anxiously as he waits to find out what was said over the phone. “Okay, so good news, bad news. Good news is that we are able to go see him today and make sure he’s a good fit for us. The bad news is that they won’t give him to us tonight because they’ll need to run over paperwork. If it all goes well, once they make sure we’re not awful people, we get Hudson.”

 

“Okay!” Ben says with enthusiasm. “Gives us time to set up the place for Hudson anyway.” Rey smiles at him with affection as she watches him talk about getting him a giant, soft dog pillow to sleep on and buying only the healthiest of foods for him. “What is it?” he asks her when he sees he’s the only one talking.

 

“Nothing.” He only looks at her in disbelief. “I love you,” she laughs.

 

“I love you more.”

 

* * *

 

Hudson was a great addition to their little family. Ben took to him immediately. The joy he got when they walked out of the animal center the day they adopted the lab mix was indescribable. 

 

It’s been now months with Hudson and Rey constantly feels like a third-wheel to their relationship. Hudson’s love for Ben absolutely knows no bounds. Like a shadow, he follows Ben wherever and whichever way he goes. And even though he argues it, Ben spoils the shit out of Hudson with treats, toys, trips around the city, you name it. They are obsessed with one another.

 

Rey always assumed he would be a good dog-dad. And even though she never truly took it into account, she always wondered how he’d fare with a baby of his own. Even way back when, she tried picturing Ben Solo with a baby and it wasn’t as easy years ago, however her mindset changed drastically since.

 

She thinks the whole “baby fever” thing happened as soon as Rose’s sister, Paige, came and visited with her family. When Ben was offered to hold her son, he immediately shook his head and with both hands up admitted he’d never held a baby before. With a little help from everyone, Rey watched the moment Paige’s son was deposited into Ben’s stiff arms at first with mirth. When Ben’s wide eyes softened at the small creature laying in his embrace, his posture changed. He got more comfortable with each second as he held baby Mason.

 

And Rey sat in silence at the dinner table on some rooftop restaurant in Brooklyn with all her friends chatting around her. Across the table, she watched on as her heart fell in her lap. There was an ache she wasn’t aware she thought she’d ever feel. A family of her own. She wanted it. Badly. It was the moment when Ben looked up around him searching for his girlfriend’s face that she knew it to be true. She’d never loved anyone more.

 

Their eyes met across the table and he smiled lovingly at her; shrugging as he held Mason, rocking back and forth just slightly, just like Paige had told him to do. “You’re a natural,” Paige’s husband, Joshua, told him with a pat on the back.

 

“Yeah, imagine that. Ben Solo. A dad,” Poe laughed the moment Mason started crying for his mother. Paige took him from Ben as soon as she saw the panic in his eyes. With a quiet chuckle of his own, Ben chose to stay silent on the matter and looked down at his hands. But Rey saw his demeanor change and that’s why she was quick to add her two cents.

 

“Who knows… maybe?” Rey grinned deviously behind her glass of wine. “Hudson’s had no complaints so far.” Even when their friends laughed and continued their merry conversations amongst each other, Rey walked around the table to get closer to her boyfriend. “I think you’d be a wonderful dad,” she whispered into his ear, her nose brushing aside the hair that lay there.

 

Pulling her into his lap and wrapping her up in his strong arms, he didn’t respond with words— only a chaste kiss that meant the world to her.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t always easy.

 

They weren’t perfect. There were days they would fight; sometimes their fights would last longer than others but they never dared to go to sleep mad at one another.

 

Other days were a dream.

 

Heavenly, even.

 

Especially the day Ben found out he was going to officially be a dad. And not just a dad to Hudson.

 

* * *

 

**Part II**

 

* * *

 

Rey was terrified of becoming a mother. The whole thing seemed so fucking effortless to people she knew. And even to people that she didn’t even know. Watching other moms at the park as they evidently had all their shit together with these massive diaper bags— Rey was immediately looking up what all went inside a diaper bag on YouTube. It couldn’t possibly be more than diapers and a change of clothes, maybe some food? Oh, how completely wrong she was.

 

If she tried to hide any of her anxiety and worries, she wasn’t doing a great job of it because Ben was quick to notice. “Rey, come here,” he gently motioned her into his arms one summer night. “You’ll be perfect. Please stop worrying, it’s unhealthy.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“How do I know what? That you’re over worrying? You’re watching countless videos on YouTube about a diaper bag. Please relax.” He kissed the top of her head, a hand running up and down her back, soothing her slightly.

 

“No, not that,” she laughed once despite her nerves being all over the place. “How do you know I’m going to be perfect?”

 

Ben stilled if only for just a moment, causing Rey to look up at him. “Maybe not perfect, but damn near close to it… I just know it. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

 

That did it. She melted into him, kissing him. Kissing away all the worries she had because she knew it couldn’t be _that_ bad. As long as she had him beside her.

 

* * *

 

Of course, having heard the news about the baby, Leia and Han were beyond thrilled. “We never thought— oh, it’s nothing. I’m so happy for both of you,” Leia said as she cried into Rey’s shoulder. Ben rolled his eyes but smiled brightly at his father.

 

Months passed and both Rey and Ben worked through the hard times. Through the body aches, swelling, nausea, everything. It was the first sight of the bump that made Rey realize just how real this whole thing got. “Ben!” she yelled outside the bathroom.

 

She heard his heavy footfall rushing up the stairs to see her and just behind him was Hudson’s pitter-patter on the hardwood floor. He rounded the corner and slid up to the doorframe of the bathroom, shaking his dark locks out of his face. “What! What is it?”

 

“Look!” she told him as she pushed her shirt around her stomach, revealing the tiniest bump.

 

With his hand, Ben reached over to close the space between them as he rubbed her bump gently. He fell to his knees and rested his head there. “You scared the shit out of me for a second there. But thank you.” He told her and she could only giggle, resting her hands on his shoulders. “I love you so much,” he whispered.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Hudson took the opportunity there to lick the side of Ben’s face, earning a good laugh from both of his parents.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t that marriage never crossed their minds because it definitely did. As soon as Rey found out she was pregnant she was a mixture of so many different emotions all at once. It was hard to wrap her head around it all. But they kept it a secret for a while and it felt nice. Just something only for them to know and no one else.

 

The news broke out first to Ben’s parents. Then to their friends. Rose and Finn were ecstatic. “But didn’t you want to get married first?” Rose asked her. Not in a rude way and Rey knew that. “Not that it matters,” Rose quickly added, correcting herself, hoping she didn’t offend Rey.

 

She didn’t take any offense to it. It didn’t bother her at all. Not really. But over time, after she’d run the thought over and over again, she was curious as to why he didn’t ask her. And at the same time, she wondered how she would feel about that. Marrying Ben.

 

It was a resounding “yes” for her. She was absolutely certain of it. But maybe Ben wasn’t there yet with her.

 

This ended up spiraling out of control and before she knew it she was surrounded by endless thoughts of: _how committed is he to our relationship? Will he even propose to me? What if… what if… what if it doesn’t work out between us again, for good, and now we have a baby on the way?_

 

And just like that, Rey was back to having the same kind of anxiety she started with day one of her pregnancy.

 

“We should throw you a baby shower! Or do something special!” Rose suggested one day as Rey visited their place. “It’ll be fun!”

 

“I don’t know Rose…”

 

“You should, Rey,” Finn said, wrapping an arm around his best friends shoulders. “You deserve to be spoiled.”

 

Rey shut her eyes and leaned into his hug with a smile on her face. “Thank you, peanut.”

 

“So, can we?” Rose asked eagerly. “I’ll do everything. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

 

Rey caved. “Sure. Why not.”

 

* * *

 

Traditionally, baby showers were meant only for women. But Rose didn’t give two shits about that. She invited everyone, men included.

 

It was a large party and it took place on a rooftop in Manhattan on a bright, sunny, summer afternoon. The rooftop Rose booked was overlooking Central Park and was the most magnificent thing Rey had ever seen. Everything sparkled. Twinkling lights everywhere and champagne bubbling on every table.

 

“Rose! How did you do this? And _how_ much did this cost you?”

 

“First of all, don’t worry about it! And secondly, I had help,” she glanced over her shoulder. Rey followed her line of sight and found Kaydel sipping on a champagne chute over by the bar and Poe. As soon as she noticed both girls look at her, she waved happily over at them.

 

“ _Rose_!” Rey chided.

 

“She wanted to help! What was I supposed to do? Say no?” Shrugging helplessly Rose nodded at someone behind Rey. “Ben, please help me with relaxing Rey. She’s way too nervous.”

 

An arm wrapped around her stomach, over her bump and pulled her against a body she was extremely familiar with. “What’s wrong?” he said into her ear, nuzzling his nose against the skin on her neck, breathing her in.

 

“Rose got help from Kaydel and I know she’s probably totally okay with it, I just feel extremely bad. She barely knows us!” she explained, leaning against him as he swayed her gently back and forth to the music playing over the speakers.

 

“She’s Poe’s girlfriend and she likes helping others. Don’t get too worked up over this. Rose wants you to have a good time and relax,” he muttered into her ear again.

 

“I know,” she sighed. “Okay. Sorry.”

 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he told her, kissing a spot at the bare skin on her shoulder. “You look so beautiful tonight,” he spun her around, her long silky slate blue dress swinging around her legs. “I love this dress,” he slid his hands down her sides.

 

She appreciated the comment. Earlier that morning, she was thinking she looked like a giant bean-bag chair. Over-exaggerating? Probably. But it was nice to hear him constantly remind her how she looked in his eyes.

 

With her eyes shut and her resting her forehead on his shoulder— she enjoyed the feeling of his large hands running up and down her dress and back onto her skin. Rey would be lying if she said it didn’t help boost her confidence especially when they broke away from each other and she could see the envy in some faces at the intimacy they’d witnessed.

 

“Baz! You came!” Ben greeted his friend as he was holding onto Rey’s hand. And while it wasn’t the first time she’d met Bazine she was still shy around the dark-haired woman. While Ben hugged her, Bazine smiled at Rey over his shoulder and broke away from their hug to pull her into a solid embrace.

 

“Congratulations, you are absolutely glowing! It’s beautiful,” she told her kindly.

 

“Thank you. And thanks for coming!” Rey told her in return. A couple more words were exchanged between the three of them and at the end, it ended up with Rey suggesting they meet up for lunch one day soon. To which Bazine cheerfully agreed to.

 

The baby shower was at full capacity and when it officially started, both Rose and Finn alike said their own few words to Rey (and Ben, but mostly to Rey) which ended up making her reach for the tissues she’d brought on deck.

 

Ben and Rey opened up all the gifts they were given and the gift that made her tear up the most were the ones, Leia, Han and Luke had given them— an old mobile made up of planets and stars that were passed down from Ben’s grandmother and a starry night light that light up the room so vividly with a glance at the galaxy.

 

After all of the gifts were opened and everyone was thanked profusely, Rose had an exciting announcement. “Okay, so Ben and Rey,” she started off, picking up a box from the table beside her, “I have this box and inside of it is a cupcake that reveals the gender of your baby. If you want to find out, that is. If not, let me know and I’ll destroy the evidence.”

 

Rey’s eyes widened as she turned to look at Ben. Already shrugging, he said, “I don’t know. It’s up to you, Rey.”

 

“I don’t know,” she said nervously. Then everyone there was allowed an open viewing to the couple’s intimate silent conversation as they only looked at one another. After a couple of seconds, Rey turned to the crowd and looked at Rose with a confident roll of her shoulders. “Okay.”

 

Rose practically skipped over to them as she handed them the plain white box. Rey opened the lid and looked inside. There was a vanilla cupcake with a creamy white frosting on top of it. Very plain and simple. Carefully, she pulled it out of the box and Ben handed her a small knife.

 

“Together,” Rey said to him under her breath and he understood. He encased her smaller hand with his over the knife and they cut right down the middle of the cupcake. With bated breath, everyone waited on the edge of their seats to hear what secret was inside the small dessert. Pulling away, Rey grabbed one side of it and immediately saw the pink color on the inside.

 

With a gasp, she covered her mouth and an overwhelming sense of joy flooded throughout her. She looked at Ben with blurred vision, tears at the edges of her eyes filling up quickly. She threw her arms around him and blurted out, “A girl!”

 

Everyone cheered for the happy couple. Leia, Han, and Luke all scrambled to get to the front of Ben and Rey to hug them tightly, congratulating them once again.

 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Ben told her in between all the kisses they shared that night.

 

* * *

 

It was incredible finding out it was going to be a girl.

 

The following months after that were easier as the days went on. Even with the swelling of her bump, growing larger and larger and quickly.

 

The first time she felt her kick, Rey was laying in bed and Ben was falling asleep beside her. Rey shook him awake, “Ben! Ben! I felt a kick!” That woke him up just as effectively as throwing cold water on him would. He turned around so quickly and put his hand on her stomach. “No here,” she told him, moving his hand to where she’d felt it happen.

 

It was a minute before the next kick happened and when he’d felt it, his eyes had a glossy look to them as he kissed her belly. “You are amazing,” he said in the quiet of the night.

 

* * *

 

It was getting cooler as August rolled around and she was just months away from the due date. Maternity leave had already kicked in for Rey and she was grateful for that. Her mind was everywhere as she worked out a birth plan. It seemed like the right thing to do. Having everything in order, Rey wanted everything to go smoothly and perfectly. As much as she could manage it.

 

Ben and Rey had a tough time figuring out what name to give their baby girl. It wasn’t as simple as they thought it’d be. This name would follow her all through her life and they didn’t want to get it wrong. Bouncing ideas off of Leia and Han wasn’t exactly helpful as the names they’d given them weren’t what they were looking for.

 

While they were struggling to get everything set up for the nursery and figuring out how to handle life after the baby comes home with them, big things were happening with their friends. Rose and Finn got engaged. Poe and Kaydel ended up moving in together. Ben found out that his college friend Hux got married and the only news he’d gotten from that was through a post on Facebook— no photos.

 

The engagement party for Finn and Rose was extremely fun and Rey was the one who ended up planning that one out, with help from Kaydel, of course. The entire time Rose recalled the way Finn proposed to her, Rey couldn’t help but think if Ben would do something equally as romantic or if that was what he wanted to do at all. She couldn’t help but feel like they’d missed out on this somehow.

 

During Rose’s speech, Rey turned and looked back at her… Ben. Her boyfriend. It’d been some time now that it had begun plaguing her thoughts that she wanted to be able to say her fiancé, her husband. But she was okay with whatever it was between them. In every sense, she knew he was hers and she was all his. _But you want more_ , _it’s only practical,_ her internal voice suggested. She could see the love behind Ben’s sparkling eyes when he turned to look down at her. It lasted for half a second before the concern was evident. “What’s wrong?”

 

Breathing in deeply, shaking the thoughts away, she rolled her shoulders half-heartedly and didn’t say a word. It was hard not to feel affected by all of it. The whole time Rose would go over wedding plans with her, she wished she could have done the same. Even if her ideas would have been a whole lot smaller and simpler than Rose’s.

 

Rey ran a hand over the swell of her stomach and tried to think only about her baby girl. With Ben. Her boyfriend.

 

Annoyed, Rey decided to walk away from Ben and over to the bathroom to catch a break. “These fucking hormones,” she mutters lowly to herself as she locks the door behind her. The tears are there and she fights them back.

 

There’s a knock at the door. “Rey?”

 

Sniffling and wiping hurriedly at the tears, Rey shakes her hair back, looking at herself in the mirror. “Go away, Ben. Please.”

 

There’s a thump behind the door and the voice is more muffled as he speaks. “I can’t help you if you shut me out.”

 

“Literally,” she quipped darkly, laughing despite herself. She runs a finger under one of her eyelids, attempting to correct some of the makeup that smudged.

 

“ _Please_ ,” he begged her.

 

A couple of seconds skipped by and the lock turns. When he opens the door, allowing himself in, he sees her and she breaks down in his arms. “I’m sorry. I don’t know,” she tells him as she cries into his shoulder.

 

“Oh, Rey,” he rubs a hand up and down her back soothingly. “What’s going on?”

 

“It’s stupid,” she shakes her head against his chest, hiding her face in the black suit jacket he wore.

 

“It’s not if it’s making you cry?” he attempts, cupping her chin and bending down slightly to her level.

 

“I’ve been an emotional mess the last month. Honestly, Ben, this should be normal by now.”

 

There’s a small grin as his lips shift upwards then go back down in all seriousness. “You’ve been acting a little strange lately and I feel like I know what it is…” She meets his questioning eyes as they dart back and forth. “Ever since Finn and Rose got engaged.”

 

She shuts her eyes so tight another tear rolls down her cheek. She feels the pad of his thumb wiping it away. “I told you it was stupid,” there’s a pathetic laugh as she lets it out of her.

 

“Rey,” his voice breaks. “I—”

 

“Please, don’t—” she cuts him off, opening her eyes again to find him standing straight. “Don’t feel like you need to say anything here. I promise it’s okay. Besides we have little baby… Johnson-Solo or I guess Solo-Johnson if you pref-”

 

“Rey,” this time it’s him that cuts her off mid-ramble. “You have _no idea_ how badly I want to marry you.” She’s stunned by his confession. Her throat is completely dry and she almost chokes on her heart skipping one to many beats. “I’ve been wanting to for such a long time and I still have no idea how to do this,” he rakes a nervous hand through his dark hair, “I wanted it to be perfect. For you.”

 

She finds her voice suddenly. “Ben, oh my God.”

 

“Would you marry me, Rey?”

 

There’s no ring present. No candles. Just a small bathroom with a dim light. And he doesn’t kneel- he holds her close to him while one of his hands caress her cheek. He’s nervous as all hell and she can feel it deep in her bones. But there’s nothing that’s she’s so certain of. This was all she wanted.

 

“Of course. I’ve been waiting on you.”

 

* * *

 

They don’t tell anyone of their engagement. They kept this to themselves for a while too. They found it was really nice keeping a secret to themselves. Besides, they wanted Finn and Rose to have their time enjoying their celebrations.

 

But eventually, it does come out that they’re engaged and it’s only when Leia sees the ring on Rey’s finger that the news starts rolling out.

 

Ben had surprised Rey one day with the ring. It was a little more romantic than the way he proposed. He’d taken her to a lovely restaurant with marvelous views and then he took her for a short stroll along the Brooklyn Heights promenade. With the sun setting behind him and the color of the sky taking on such beautiful colors of yellow, pink and orange, he got down on one knee in front of her and unveiled the ring.

 

It was perfect.

 

But when Rey is asked how he did it, she tells both stories. Because it was so on-brand for  _them_. He proposed two different ways and she cherished both.

 

One night while Rey was on her way home from walking Hudson, she felt a sharp pain in her side, almost knocking her off her feet. Hudson looked up at her with a confused look as he whined, pulling slightly forward. Their stoop wasn’t far from where they were. Rey refused to step another foot in front of the other as she leaned up against a tree.

 

Looking around for others, she was surprised to find none of her neighbors around. It wasn’t that late. Hudson barked loudly as Rey hissed out in pain and tugged harder on his leash. Unable to hold on, Rey lost her grasp on the handle and he went flying down the sidewalk. “Huds- ahhh,” she went to say but couldn't as she felt another pain shooting up from the base of her spine.

 

“Rey?” she heard Ben yelling out her name from down the block. He was running down to her with Hudson in tow. “Oh, my God. Are you alright? What is it?” he went into full-on panic mode while Rey stood against the tree calmly, breathing in deep breaths.

 

Suddenly, there was a strange sensation of wetness around the inside of her thighs and she knew what it was immediately. “We need to go to the hospital,” she told him placidly.

 

“It’s time? Like you’re about to give birth? This is really happening?”

 

“Ben!” He nodded his head and immediately got on his phone and dialed 911.

 

“Okay, they’re on their way. Can you walk?” he asked her gently, grabbing a hold of her elbow and attempting to help. “I just need to get Hudson back inside.”

 

“Yeah, I think I’m good,” she said, testing out the motion. They made their way slowly up the sidewalk to their house and she walked up hesitantly up the steps and inside. Ben was already rushing around the place grabbing things he knew she’d wanted with her. Slinging a large bag over his shoulder, he’s telling Hudson to be a good boy and that he’d be right back with a baby.

 

That made her laugh and he turns to see her standing at the door with a hand on her lower back, one on top of her stomach and a giant smile on her face.

 

A knock on the door sounds and it’s the ambulance waiting to take her to the hospital. Rey clings onto Ben’s hand the entire way. They’re both nervous and it gets worse with every minute that ticks by.

 

When she’s deposited onto the hospital bed and is hooked up to all the necessary machines, Ben is standing right beside her still holding onto her hand. There’s no one but them inside that room as her contractions take her through the entire night. A nurse walks into the room every now and then to check on her status.

 

Ben’s phone goes off and it’s his parents checking in from the waiting room of the maternity ward. “Is it alright if they come in to see you?” he asks for her permission. Chewing on ice, Rey nods her head at him and he tells them it’s fine over the phone.

 

Not even a minute later, Leia is bursting through the door with Han behind her and she’s at Rey’s side in an instant. “Oh, honey, how are you feeling?” she asks.

 

“I’m okay… right now. The contractions are pretty intense.”

 

Leia goes into depth on how she gave birth to Ben and how hard it was and Ben’s instantly telling her to go wait outside and to stop making Rey more nervous than she already was. With a kiss on her forehead, both Leia and Han disappear behind the door.

 

“Sorry,” Ben apologizes to her, a hand running over his face. “You’ll be perfectly okay.”

 

“Ben, it’s alright,” she chuckles, reaching for his hand and he immediately places it in hers. “I have you. I’ll be fine.”

 

Hours later and Rey’s having to push and she yells out in pain, clutching Ben’s hand tightly. A lifeline of hers. And he’s right beside her, attentive as he always is— rubbing her back, kissing her temple and brushing the hair out of her face.

 

Then there’s the sound of a baby crying and Rey slumps into Ben’s arms. “Here she is!” the doctor exclaimed, holding the baby in her arms. “Dad, you wanna cut the cord?”

 

“I ah- sure.” He says a little in shock. With trembling hands, Ben is cutting the umbilical cord and then he’s holding their baby girl in his arms.

 

“Great job mom and dad! She’s beautiful!” the nurse tells them excitedly.

 

Rey chokes on her own breath looking at her baby. _Her baby_. In Ben’s arms. A sight to see, the size of such a giant man holding something so incredibly small. But he holds her ever so carefully and he’s got this protective stance that makes Rey’s heart burst with pride.

 

When Ben looks up at Rey, he’s got tears in his eyes and he’s sniffling. “Look, it’s your mama,” he whispers in his arms. Ben passes Rey their baby girl and he’s kissing his fiancée with an intense emotion before letting go.

 

“Have you decided on a name for her yet?" a nurse asks them, walking over to take the girl from them to make sure her vitals all check out. Ben’s half-seated, half-lying beside Rey on the hospital bed and holding her as they take their baby out of their arms, for the time being.

 

“Kiera,” Rey says to Ben mostly than to the nurse. As if to test it out.

 

“Yeah,” he agrees with her, a steady smile on his face.

 

After their girl was confirmed to be a hundred percent healthy, the couple was able to spend more time learning about their newborn. As the nurses taught Rey how to breastfeed Kiera, Leia had other tips and tricks from experience. Rey soaked all of it in like a sponge- the more knowledge she had the more she felt comfortable about leaving the hospital.

 

But a couple of days later they were allowed to leave with little Kiera Solo.

 

And they went home with stomachs full of butterflies.

 

* * *

 

**Part III**

 

* * *

 

Kiera was a blessing. Truly. She was.

 

But God was it difficult. Even with Ben right there every step of the way. The nights where Rey thought it was impossible to get her to stop crying, Ben would show up as a gift from heaven and take their daughter from her weak arms, shushing her, rocking back and forth. As the cries slowly lessened, he would turn to Rey and tell her to get some sleep.

 

It got easier over time but everything was a learning curve. All of it was so new and there were no paths to follow- she had to figure it out every step of the way.

 

At 10 months, she said her first word. Ben won that one. “Dada.”

 

“Unbelievable,” Rey gritted out, playfully. She watched on as Ben picked up Kiera and paraded her around the house in his triumph, Hudson right beside him with his tongue hanging out. Ben was obsessed with her. The sound of her giggles and cooing at her father made it worthwhile. Rey would just have to wait her turn.

 

Crawling was a big deal but the first steps were an even bigger deal. A month later, while Finn and Rose were visiting and telling Rey all about their honeymoon in Hawai’i, she was in the kitchen grabbing them drinks when she heard her name being yelled from the living room. Rey rushed over to see what was going on. She saw Kiera standing up and standing pretty still despite the slight wobble. Finn and Rose stood extremely still as Finn’s outstretched arms were within reach of Kiera, just in case. Rose holding Hudson equally as still in her arms.

 

“Is she—?” Rey asked in a low voice, shocked. 

 

“Yeah, we think so,” Finn breathed out.

 

Then she took a step forward toward her mother and Rey clamped her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God, my little bean!” Rushing to kneel down on the floor, Rey put out her hands to catch her. “Come here, Kiki,” she coaxed.

 

One wavering step more and she was back to sitting down on her little butt. Kiera smiled happily as Rey picked her up, pecking kisses all over her face. “I love you so much.”

 

Ben was upset to find out he had missed out on all the action but luckily Rose had recorded the whole moment and had sent it to him as consolation.

 

After that, Kiera was on the move. She was _everywhere_ with Ben, Rey, and Hudson all right behind her.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Their wedding was very intimate. Only a few friends and family members were invited.

 

It took place at a café along the East River overlooking the Manhattan skyline and just next to the Brooklyn Bridge. It happened on a warm summer day, the sun shining brightly above them and their guests, the ceremony taking place on a desk outside beside the bridge. And everything was just flawless.

 

When they said their “I Do’s,” Kiera was heard from the front row in Han’s lap as she made grabby hands towards her parents. Everyone laughed at her adorable interruption. Ben stepped to the side and took her from his father’s hands, placing her on one side of his hips as he leaned over to kiss his wife.

 

And the wedding photographer captured that photo magnificently as it appears on their wall going up against the staircase in their home.

 

It was a wonderful ceremony and an even better reception. Indoors, the lighting was dimmed by twinkling lights with a beautiful display of white hydrangeas on every table. Along with the lighting inside, they had a magnificent sight of the skyline as the night went on. And all of Rey’s wishes came true with her vision of candles and greenery. The live plants in the room made it look really open and ethereal. 

 

Ben held Rey’s hand in several stages throughout the night: as they walked into the reception to cheers from their friends and family, as they cut their wedding cake together, as he took her out to the floor to share their first dance.

 

While in his embrace, she thought she’d rather die than be anywhere else with anyone else. Listening to his soft murmurs of sweet nothings in her ear, he swayed them back and forth on the dance floor. The tenderness behind his soft kisses made her lose her footing causing him to pick her up easily. Keeping her mouth near his, she giggled like a schoolgirl, feeling elated. It felt like being alone for the first time that evening but as she glanced over his shoulder, she could see just how many eyes were on them.

 

When she spotted Leia and Han walking over to them with Kiera, Rey broke away from Ben if only for just a moment before returning to him with their daughter on her hip. The three of them danced together in a sweet moment.

 

* * *

 

“Kiera! Come on, we’re running late!” There was a sound of something between a groan and a whine from the second floor and Rey turned to look at her husband with annoyance. “I swear to God, Ben, this is your doing. Go get her.”

 

Ben held onto the end of the staircase as he scoffed at Rey. “I’m sorry, how?”

 

“You let her stay up past her bedtime last night and now she’s all cranky.”

 

“You let her eat cookies before bed and she was wired! Don’t rope me into this,” he defended. “She’s on her way, relax.” And just like he knew she was around the corner, she rounded the hallway and made her way down the stairs, her long ponytail swinging behind her.

 

“Let’s go,” she said to her waiting parents as she strode by them with an air of confidence. Looking up from her to his wife, Ben smirked at Rey’s eyes as they rolled into her head. Adjusting the small coat on her shoulders, Ben picked up Kiera and onto his shoulders as she laughed. 

 

The six-year-old was without a doubt a “daddy’s girl”.

 

Grabbing Hudson’s leash, Rey takes him with them on their walk to the elementary school. As old as that dog got, he still wanted to go with them on any walk he could get. Hudson had started showing his age with the graying of his fur but that didn’t stop him from zooming around the park as if he were half his age.

 

Sending her off to school was initially hard on both of them but after they saw how much fun she had it got immensely easier. As they hugged their daughter and wished her a good day at school, they watched as she made her way inside, running past a teacher who told her to slow down.

 

Snorting, Ben shook his head at his daughter's antics.

 

Hudson tugged at his leash to go sniff at another dog and Rey struggled for a moment to keep him in place. “Cute kid,” a light voice said to her right and Rey wouldn’t have thought anything of it if it didn’t have a sort of flirty tone to it. Looking just over Ben’s shoulder was a blonde who was smiling just at him. Not even acknowledging Rey, who was literally _right there_.

 

“Oh, yeah, thanks, she’s the best,” Ben said, barely looking her way.

 

“I’m Olivia,” the blonde introduced herself. Rey watched as her husband looked away from the doors to the woman.

 

“Ben,” he said kindly. “This is my wife, Rey,” he stepped aside, allowing Rey the moment to just wave her fingers at Olivia. Rey stayed quiet but glared at the woman nonetheless. _Back off,_ she thought.

 

“Lovely to meet you both,” Olivia told them as she hurried away from the conversation she’d begun.

 

Rey couldn’t help but laugh on their walk back home. “Jeez,” she said out loud. Looking Ben up and down, she grinned.

 

“What?” Ben laughed with her, wanting to know what was so funny.

 

“ _Olivia_ ,” Rey mocked, stopping to let Hudson relieve himself on a nearby tree. “Just look at you. Wearing your work suit, your hair perfectly messy and shit. It’s no wonder. You’re not allowed to take Kiera to school by yourself.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Ben challenged her with a glint in his eye. He put his arms around her as they walked unsteadily up the stairs to their home, kissing at her neck. Walking through the door, Rey let Hudson off his leash and let him run to the couch to take his regularly scheduled nap.

 

As Ben locked the door behind him, Rey looked at him confused. “Shouldn’t you be heading to work? Traffic’s going to be absolute trash by now, you’ve missed your window-” His mouth is on hers, cutting her off.

 

“I love you,” he bit at her bottom lip, pulling at it as he muttered the words. “You have no reason to get jealous. I’m all about you.”

 

Rey chuckled and pushed at his shoulders, trying to get him to reason with himself and head to work. But he didn’t stop trying to reach her. “Ben, you’re being ridiculous,” she laughed.

 

“I’m taking today off with you. Let’s spend the day together. In bed,” his voice dropped at the end.

 

Playing with him, shock present all over her features, she says his name. “Benjamin! Wait, you’re not serious… are you?”

 

“Completely,” he said, rolling his jacket off his shoulders and tossing it over a nearby chair. He rounds in on her and she feels her back hit a wall. Crowding her in between his arms, he whispers, “It’s just us now.” She gasps as she feels his lips on her collarbone and making his way up slowly to the base of her neck.

 

“ _Oh_. Okay,” she relents. “You’re a monster,” she teases him, lowly.

 

“Yes, I am,” he says into her skin as he bites down there, sucking on it a little longer than she probably wants, hoping he doesn’t leave a mark there (but probably will anyway, judging by the way her hand runs through his hair tugging him closer).

 

“Ben, please, don’t leave a mark. Last time this happened, I could barely cover it up.”

 

“I don’t recall you minding that last time though,” he detached himself from her, placing a soft kiss on the surely bruising skin. “You love it,” he says, running his nose along her skin there. He gets the response he was looking for when her skin turns to goosebumps and she sucks in a breath. “ _Ah, you do._ ”

 

Then he’s picking her up and rushing up the stairs to their bedroom.

 

Spending the whole afternoon in bed, undisturbed, felt amazing and in so many ways. Rey was completely exhausted by noon. Lying under one thin sheet haphazardly thrown across their bodies, the rest of their sheets a crumpled mess at the foot of the bed, Rey laid atop of Ben’s chest, her fingers playing with his as they stared up at the ceiling together. 

 

“I love our daughter so much, I really do, but if I could stay right here and burn in the heat of us all day, I would,” he tells her, his fingers toying with the ring on her left hand.

 

“Yeah, me too,” she agrees.

 

“How many did you want?”

 

“Orgasms? I think you’ve exceeded my limit on that one,” she jokes, knowing fully what he’s asking her, stalling a little. She didn’t really know the answer herself. When he moves behind her, she drops onto the pillow and he’s holding himself up above her. Rey pushes his dark locks back, looking into his eyes. “I think I always wanted at least one kid but maybe two.”

 

“I think my mom would absolutely lose her shit if we had another.”

 

“Oh, yeah, easily.”

 

As they showered, Ben washed the shampoo from his wife’s hair, massaging her head. “ _Mmm_ , what did I do to get so lucky?” Rey asks out loud.

 

There’s a blanket of quietness that covers them as Ben mulls it over. He has everything he ever wanted with Rey: a place of their own, a dog and a beautiful daughter. There really wasn’t anything else he could ever want for. “I ask myself the same question every day,” he discloses. 

 

They spend a little more time than necessary inside their shower but eventually, they get out of the steamy bathroom.

 

Later on that afternoon, they dress and walk out the door, leaving Hudson to continue sleeping in the sunlight coming through a large window. Hand-in-hand, they made their way to the school smiling at each other every step of the way, to pick up Kiera with open arms.

 

* * *

 

Months later, Rey finds out she’s pregnant. She’s expecting a boy. And while Leia was ‘losing her shit’, like they figured she would, Ben was absolutely over the moon. It took some convincing for Kiera though, she wasn’t exactly thrilled about being a sibling at first. She pouted the entire time they showed her the ultrasound photo and explained how excited she _should_ be. “You’re going to be a big sister!”

 

“I don’t wanna,” she tells them as she crossed her arms in defiance. However, once the bump came along, Kiera changed her tune dramatically. “I’m going to be the best big sister,” she whispered to it.

 

Giving birth the second time around wasn’t as challenging as the first; nevertheless, it was still just as difficult. But Ben was there, never leaving her side, and it was all she needed.

 

They named him Ryan and took him home to meet a sleepy Hudson waiting for them on the couch.

 

Having the third bedroom changed over from an office to Ryan’s new room was a pretty simple process. Rey and Ben had discussed several times how it was enough for now. The prospect of having another wasn’t  _yet_ out of the question but definitely would pose a challenge to the amount of space diminishing in their home.

 

Several nights after they’d brought Ryan home with them, Ben was putting Kiera to bed with a kiss on the forehead. Turning off the lights in her room, save for the small night light in the corner lighting up her ceiling with an enormous galaxy, he closed the door, leaving it slightly ajar.

 

He treads down the hallway to find his wife in their bedroom but was surprised when he didn’t find her already in there. Looking down at his watch, finding it was only 8:30 PM, he glanced to the end of the hallway where his office used to be- now his son’s room and saw a dim light creeping from underneath the door.

 

Ben makes his way to the door and pushes it gently. He finds her sitting in the rocking chair with their son in her arms, fast asleep. “Rey?” he asks her in the darkness of the room. He shuts the curtains closed, the light disappearing completely from the room.

 

Getting closer to her and the sleeping baby, he picks Ryan up as carefully as he could without causing him to stir too much and places him in his crib. Rey doesn’t move an inch- she’s dead to the world. Chuckling, Ben shakes her shoulder slightly. “Babe, wake up, let’s go to bed,” he murmurs to her.

 

Rey’s eyes open and she searches instantly around her in the darkness. “Where’s Ryan?”

 

“I put him in the crib,” he tells her quietly, extending his hand out to her. “He’s good. Let’s go to bed.”

 

Taking a hold of his hand, they walk down to their bedroom and she falls onto the bed with a heavy sigh. “I’m so tired. So... sleepy.”

 

He takes his watch off and places it on his nightstand. Getting under the covers and helping his wife get underneath them at the same time, he rubs at his tired eyes. “It’s been a long day.”

 

“Oh, how was your day at work today? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” she said sadly. Although he'd been home for the last five hours, they were just so busy with the children the entire time.

 

“Good- it was good. They’re thinking about giving me the next promotion and it’ll mean a whole lot more work, Rey. I just… I don’t know if I can do it. I’ll barely be able to help and I’m already working a lot as it is.”

 

“It’s alright, Ben. Just do whatever you think is right. We’ll manage either way.” She places a soft hand on his face and leans in to kiss him on his lips. “You hear that?” she asks him after a beat passes between them.

 

He listens but there’s- “Nothing. It’s quiet.”

 

“Exactly,” she smiles. It’s quiet in the house for the first time that entire day since everyone woke up and Rey relishes in the sound of it. Like sweet music to her ears.

 

Hudson jumps on top of the bed and curls up into a ball on Ben's side. “I love you, Rey,” Ben sighs sleepily, grabbing at her waist and pulling her closer to him.

 

“I love you more.”

 

* * *

 

**The End.**

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, if you made it this far— holy shit i love you. and thank you so much for reading all of this! it was fun to write and i hope you enjoyed it. much love, e. ♡  
>   
>  **notes:**  
>  \- "true love breathes salvation back into me" » all night by beyonce  
> \- the name's of the kids, idk? i just picked kiera because it felt right? and ryan because rian.  
> \- please excuse the grammatical/spelling errors if you catch any!


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